It is so not worth it

There is a tee shirt that the marines wear that say's " "pain is weakness leaving your body". If that is the case then I am getting stronger right now.

My mother left today and her visit was very painful to me.

My mother criticized me in front of my friends. My mother sat there in front of Elle and Beth and told me that I was wrong for not allowing the girls to go to Egypt. Then Elle asked me how long it had been since I had a vacation. I told her that I have not had a vacation in over 20 years. My mom offered to pay for half of each of the girls trips.

I got up and walked away. I did not want a fight.

Everytime I told Amber to do something my mother would contradict me.

My mother told me that she would not be coming out for this Christmas. She said that she just can't be away from my sister and hell child. Well thanks for sharing that info with me.

I asked my shrink why in the world she is even California. My shrink said that she is looking for an anchor. Hmm

The night Amber graduated my mom and one of my friends were talking. They were talking about how children return to the nest. My mom looked at me and said "They all return". I just snapped back " and some of us move to California because we can't afford to live in Samoa"

Today I took my mom down to the train. That's right. I did not even take my mom to the air port. I took her to the train station.

On the way down there I gave her all of the girls account information. I said " here is everything that you will need to pay half on the girls trip. I will pay the other half of Nikki's. Amber is on her own. If amber does not come up the money for the rest of the trip then that is between you and her. I do not want to see pictures, and don't bring me anything back and I defiantly don't want to hear about it."

My mom tried to convince me that I should get a job and pay for my trip. My mom does not get it.

Right before my mom got on the train I said "Well I will see you when ever you come back."

My mom said "well we will talk."

 I just smiled and said " there is nothing to talk about."

Oh I so want to cry. I want to scream. I don't want to be a mom any more.

Rusty and I sat down and talked about all of this tonight. The girls are going to Egypt and I am staying home. I guess good mom's do things like this for their children. Rusty is not happy.

Rusty had no real answers for me and that was fine. I just wanted to vent.

I did however come to the conclusion that I need to keep my mom at a distance. I cut her off for 10 years before. I think it is time for her to be cut off again. I just can't handle the stress that she brings into my home.

I told Rusty that if we had medical insurance that I would be on anti depressants! Rusty just laughed and said " You are stronger then that". I am glad that someone thinks so.

So here I sit tonight. I have no real answers and I am still holding back the tears.

I would like to say that you to everyone who sent Amber a card. We will be getting thank you cards out this week.

aoljurlAdd, aoljurlAdd_2