I don't want to.....

Last night was very trying for me.

I had to send Ryan back to the shower twice because he forgot to wash his feet. Now when you wear sandals all day the dirt line is very noticeably! Finally, after Ryan got out of the shower, I had to wash his feet myself.

That was when I discovered that he has very bad athletes feet. Great now on top of still having to wash this child at the age of 13, I now have to put cream on his feet every night.

Will this ever end? Will Ryan ever be able to do things on his own?

I want to go to the lake or the beach, but the last time I took Ryan to the lake he sat on his towel pouting because he wanted to go home.

I don't want to deal that.

I want to take a few hours to myself and get away, but I can't. The girls are gone doing their thing and Rusty is at work.

So here I sit today. One of laundry is started. The kittens are fed and their bedding is changed. The living room is cleaned up and the dish washer is unloaded.

So now what? Yet another day stuck in the house.

I did get the closet cleaned for the most part. I decided to only unpack and organize my stuff. That really did not take that long, because I just decided to get rid of a lot of stuff. I just stacked Rusty's stuff on the other side of the closet.

I do think that I am going to go get some space bags. I have a few suits and all of my dad shirts that I am just going to shrink down and then I can deal with all of it later.

I just had an epiphany. The reason that I am the crazy cat lady, and the reason I prefer to be around my animals is because that is what I have been forced into.

Rusty has a job and other things that he is involved in. The girls have school, friends, sports, and whatever else.

So who does that leave to take care of the house and Ryan? Who does that leave stuck at home all day everyday?

Me.

I have just as intelligent conversations with my animals as I do with Ryan. At least the animals love me back.

I need to end this entry. I can feel myself spinning downward. I need to go find something to do.

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I wonder

I just sat down to read a few journals. The second one that I read was Gerry from the daughter of the shadow man.

She really made me stop and think about my own dad.

Right now I miss him. I miss him so much. I want to pick up the phone and call him. I want to hear his strong sweet voice.

I want my rock back. After all he is the one who taught me to be tuff. I am sure that there are so many more lessons that he did not teach me.

My dad left this world without answering a lot of my questions. There are times that I want to curse him. There are times I want to give him a hug. There are times when I just want my dad.

Sometimes I wonder if I had lived closer to him if I would have had the opportunity to ask my father these questions. Then again He and my mom were the ones that drove me away.

I am still so angry at my dad. I still speak of my father as if he is still alive. I know that my dad is dead. I helped my mom fill out the death certificate. I have some of his ashes.

Why do people die before the family can ask them all of the questions? Why do good people die. Why can't the people on death row die first?

Soon it will be the second anniversary of my fathers death. When will I cry? When will I forgive him? Will I ever stop loving him? When will stop talking about my dad as if he is still alive?

Today while I was cleaning out my closet I came across some of my dads old flannel shirts. I just looked at them and hung them in the back if the closet. I can't even bring myself to wear his shirts or to even look at them.

I so wish that Rusty was here so I could talk to him. No wait. I don't want Rusty here. I feel guilty when I talk to Rusty. I will start to say something and then I think that I am being selfish because Rusty has lost both of his parents.

This is a burden that only I can carry. I can't share this load with Rusty. So I guess until I figure out how to deal with all of this I am just going to keep going.

I do know that my dad is here with me tonight. I can feel him. I have looked around the room, and I do not see him, but I can feel him.

So this song is for my dad. He use to sing it to me all the time. The sad thing is... my dad asked me to come visit him and I told him that I couldn't because Amber was sick.

 

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how do you sleep?

Well I think Amber is finally registered for college. I know that she still has to go turn in one paper to the veteran rep.

Yesterday Amber went up to the college and ended up calling Rusty and I in tears. Now on some level I should care, but for the most part I do not.

Amber has having trouble filling out some papers and some other things. Now 2 weeks before school starts Amber is rushing around and trying to get into some classes.

I just looked at Amber and said "I told you to start this whole process as soon as you graduated and instead you dicked around. Figure it out!"

Amber did eventually figure it out, so I am glad about that.

I am not trying to be a bitch here, but I am sick of helping Amber out. She needs to learn to stand on her own to feet. Don't get me wrong. I will be here if she gets into a real bind, but.....

I hate it when Rusty is gone. I am not sure how to sleep.

Rusty sleep's kinda in the middle of the bed because one of the dogs sleeps on the edge. The Butter is usually in the middle of Rusty and I. Then we have cats scattered all over the bed.

When Rusty is gone all of the animals claim his half of the bed. I actually got to spread out! It was so strange.

Today my major goal is to clean out my closet. I don't think Rusty or I have actually stepped foot in that closet, but it does need to be unpacked and gone through. If I find those damn botany cards, well they are going to disappear for good.

Yesterday I made a pet quilt and I have another one cut out. I have an idea for another big quilt, so I am looking forward to getting some sewing done today.

I do not know about the rest of the country, but we have an awesome 99 cent store! Yesterday Rusty and I went out there to get him some stuff to take and man we cleaned up!

When I go to the 99 cent store I can buy stuff that I might not normally buy. Well Yesterday they had a dozen eggs for 99 cent! Well, I bought my limit on them. I don't know how people make it if they are not shopping at the 99 cent store.

O.K. my day is calling me and I need to get everyone moving. Nikki is already gone for the morning. She started tennis practice yesterday.

I love the fact that Nikki plays sport's because that means she will spend less time with the "boyfriend from hell".

 

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Sex with Toby Keith

The other night I could not sleep so I decided to take a sleeping pill. These pills usually don't bother me, but for whatever reason that night I had some strange dreams.

One of the dreams I had was that I was having sex with Toby Keith. I was digging this dream when Nikki woke me up by poking me. Nikki said mom " Mom I keep throwing up" I said " I am having sex with Toby Keith, go take an anti vomit pill and go to bed"!

I won't win mom of the year award for that.

The other day I had to block the military channel. Ryan really likes this channel, but one of the shows just sent me into a tail spin. The military channel had followed some marines around, and they brought this damn war into my living room. The things I saw and the language I heard was not good. When I told Rusty about this he agreed that I should block the channel and that we do not need this war brought into our living room. Let's face it, I live with the side effects of this war everyday.

For the most part I like where we live. I love being close to Nikki's school and close to where Amber works.

I could do without the drug dealers across the street or the ass hole who likes to fire his shot gun off at mid night, but other then that I am o.k. here.

Then the other day I get a call from my friend Linda who also happens to be my land lady. It seems that someone wrote a letter to the owner of the house saying that I have mean dogs and 10 cats.

Linda came over and took a picture of our dogs, and did not say much about our cat's. Linda got back with the owner and everything is cool now.

I am just pissed off that there are some nosey neighbors who seem to think they know what is going on inside my home.

They do not know shit about me. Other wise they would know that I keep a very clean house, all of my animals are very well cared for, they are all fixed and they all have their shot's.

This is why I try very hard to not to get to know people that live around me. I don't want people at my door and in my business constantly.

Rusty left for his trip this morning. He will be gone almost a week. I am not worried I have butter ( the dog above) and a revolver. So I am good.

 

 

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Just hanging out

I am sitting here looking at a kitten who just knocked over a trash can and moved all of the papers out of it.... just so she can sleep in it!

We really did not do to much this weekend. I must say that I am getting really sick of all of these high temp's.

On Saturday George and I went out driving around and we found someone that was cleaning out a house. We scored so sweet stuff for free. Then we saw another house that had a pile of stuff with a sign on it that said free.

I grabbed this really cool coffee table and end table. I have gotten the end table all cleaned up and polished, so now I need to work on the coffee table. I don't think I am going to strip these table, but we will have to see.

I spent a lot of time making sure that Rusty had everything ready for his next trip. Rusty leave tomorrow and won't be back until Sunday. I would love to go to 29 palms with him, but I think the children would kill each other if I left them home alone for almost a week.

While Rusty is gone I have a few projects that I want to get done.

I need to unpack and clean out our closet. Yep, I have not even unpacked our closet yet. I guess I can give it all to good will since I don't need it? I was looking at the closet the other day and I am wondering if I really need my navy p coat. I love that coat when lets face it. I don't like snow, I don't like cold weather, so the chances of me ever wearing that coat again are slim to none. I will have to really think on this on.

Amber has drug her feet on getting all of Rusty's v.a. stuff turned in and now it is crunch time. Amber said " I can't afford to pay for my classes  four days to process Rusty's paper work." O.K. then maybe your ass should not have been at the beach? Somehow Amber's lack of planning is my problem? Oh I so don't think so.

I wonder if she realizes how many people would give anything to have a free full ride to college? Amber has it and she is just taking it for granted.

This litter of kittens is so easy going. They are starting to grow and two of them now have their eye's open. I know I was put on this earth to take care of critters.

Speaking of the babies, I need to go make them a bottle because they should be getting up soon.

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I only have a few minutes

So yesterday I was just worn out! Then Amber starts bitching about not us not having any bread.

Amber: when are you going to go get bread?

me: I will buy food on Friday when Rusty gets paid.

Amber: no I think you should do get some today.

me: No, you have a job. If you want bread then take your happy ass to the store and buy your own damn bread.

Amber went and bought some bread. I told her to put the bread in her bedroom. I do not even want to see her bread!

Why can't humans eat their young?

The other day Nikki brought home a flyer of some of the programs that the church wants to start. Nikki suggested some that I might be interested in. I chose something else.

I called the pastor and volunteered to help with the food bank. When I worked for that charity I use to run the warehouse and one of the things we did was massive food distribution.

The pastor said that I was the only one so far who volunteered for that. I asked him to give me a call when he wanted to get start and I told him that I would help out.

Right now the babies are sleeping. I am hoping that they will sleep for a few hours. This morning they were very cranky, so I had to rock them, just to get them to go back to sleep. Yes I rock kittens.

Today Amber and Nikki are at the beach and Ryan is outside playing. It is nice to have the house to myself.

I have gotten the house cleaned up and dinner is in the crock pot, so if I hurry I might be able to get some sewing in.

My sewing machine is calling me.

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botnay cards

We have botany card.

We have botany cards from Africa.

We have botany cards from Africa, so that IF I am ever stranded in Afric during a rainy season I will know what I can eat!

Yesterday I was looking for a calendar that I printed out. I had unimportant stuff written on it. Stuff like when our bills are do, and other unimportant things.

Yesterday I started looking for this calendar so I could write down all of registration dates. It is gone!

I e mailed Rusty and he said "oh I thought it was trash so I threw it out in the trash"

What? We have botany cards that I moved at least three times but I am not allowed to have one sheet of paper?

Don't be surprised if those botany cards disappear!

 

These are my new foster babies. They arrived last night. There are three black kitties there! I have named one of them Miracle. The smallest of the group has one eye open. These babies were found in a laundry room at the barracks.

I did get some good news from Ryans school yesterday. This gal Karen that use to be the head of the special ed department is now Ryans Principal!

I love Karen. We can joke about stuff, but then when it is time to talk about Ryan it is all fair game and I turn into the bitch from Hell.

Karen said that she just accepted the job yesterday, and no they do not have a teacher for Ryans class yet, but she is working on it.

I also asked Karen if Ryan had been approved for ot. She said that she was not sure. I said " Well I know that he qualifies and if he does not receive services I will be bringing in an advocate."

An advocate is someone who knows the laws and knows the lawyers who take the school districts to court. I am so done playing games.

Today I am going to spend the day doing all the normal stuff but I am going to spend more time loving on these new babies!

Love and time will help them grow.\

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