the big one

The big heart attack hit yesterday. Rusty arrived at the hospital 3 min. before his heart stopped.

Rusty is the love of my life and I dont know what I am going to do. Rusty is alive. He is in a medical coma, on a ventalatior ( not sur of spelling), on blood thinners, and has so many tubes coming out of him. Rusty looks like someone has beet the shit out of him. The doctor said that is because of the way he has been laying and the blood started to pool at his face.

I just talked to the nurse and she said that Rusty is doing good. My mom offered to have all of the children fly out there, but we cant afford it. So I guess I am going to have the children bounce between all of our friends. My momdid say that she was going to try to get out here, but my dad goes into the hospital on monday. My momneeds to take care of my dad. I could not handle loosing two guuys in my life.

I am back to taking my life in steps and not looking to far ahead. Step one, finish up some stuff around the house and go to the hospital. Elli is going to take the children to Curts and they will stay there until monday. That is as far as I have gotten.

I just changed the message on my phone so that everyone can hear how rusty is doing. I cant have my phone on in i.c.u. so I missd so many calls yesterday. I figure this way at least people will know what I know.

I would like to know why this is happening to Rusty and who in the world thinks that I am strong enough to handle this. I will be having my children bounce around from place to place for the next few weeks. I will be running back and forth between the hospital and home. I will be fielding phone calls. While all of this is going on, I will have no choice but to keep up. I have to keep it together. I have not even had a good cry yet. I am sure that is coming, but it will have to wait until I have time. Right now there is no time for self pitty, only time to move foward and to keep going.

Last night I took rusty his quilt. He was a little out of it, but man he grabbed his quilt and did his best to snuggle down into it. So I was trying to think of what else I could take up to him to let him know that I am there. Well here is the idea I came up with. While rusty was in Iraq I sent him this little stuffed kitten thst was just soaked in my perfume. and I put a note in the bag with the kitten that said here is a little pussy for you. So I am going to soak the kitten in my perfume and take it to him. Maybe he will know I am there just by the smell of the kitten.

I need to finish getting ready and I am off to sit with Rusty.