thinking

Well it is 3 a.m. here and I am up. My clock is so messed up. I should get dressed and go see Rusty, but I am going to do some stuff around here first.

The girls have been awesome about helping with the house, so there is only a little bit of cleaning to do. So... oh I dont know. My thought's are so random. So much has happened that I dont know where to start.

I am still pissed off about what that lady said to me. The truth of the matter is we will be broke by next month. I am really hoping that disability and unemployment start soon. I can call my old boss and go back to work, but then the whole family will be put on hold including Rusty. But I will do what I have to do. So I guess I will just have to wait and see.

Last night I allowed the girls to see Rusty for a few min. Amber was so scared, but she walked right in and gave rusty a hug and they talked. Then it was Nikki's turn to see Rusty. She stood by he nurses station just crying. She was so scared that if she walked into the room that Rusty would die. After a nurse and I got her calmed down, so agreed to just go see him. So I held her hand and we walked in. As soon as Nikki saw him she placed her head on his chest and just started crying. Man! The girls seing him fall to the ground with the start of a heart attack has really messed them up. They are so scared that they did something, or that if they touch him that he is going to die. These poor girls.

When the girls were younger I use to shelter them from life. I never took them to funerals, or to see really sick people. I figured that this was grown up stuff and that they could deal with death and sickness once they got older. I just never thought that they would be dealing with something so close to home. I am only hoping that as a mom and a wife that I am strong enough to get everyone through all of this.

Last night a neighbor lady had asked me if Ryan could go to vacation Bible school with them. I told her no, because I wanted to keep close tab's on all of the children, but I think I am going to allow him to go. I am going to ask them if they can take him and pick him up. I really need to let the children get back to living. I cant let my fear's stop them from having a life. I fear that if they are not at home that something will happen to them or Rusty. I know this fear is unfounded, but that is the way I feel right now. For right now the act of living our lives is very hard.

Our friend Elle came up last night and she is going to stay with the children today. She has been a big blessing to us. I really hate leaving the children alone. I know that the children will have a good time with her and that she can handle everything.

Yesterday I finally stopped long enough to look in the mirror. I look like a mac has hit me. I have lost so much weight and I cant find the energy to take care of myself. Yesterday I got into the shower, washed my hair and brushed my teeth and then turned the water off. I look down and there set my washcloth. I forgot to wash my body! So I turned the water back on and tried again. I did finally eat yesterday, but the food sat in my stomch, but I must remember to eat. I will be no use to anyone if I get sick.

Well I am going to go do laundry and try to take a shower. I myself need to get back to act of living.