Saturday, June 14, 2008

It is so not worth it

There is a tee shirt that the marines wear that say's " "pain is weakness leaving your body". If that is the case then I am getting stronger right now.

My mother left today and her visit was very painful to me.

My mother criticized me in front of my friends. My mother sat there in front of Elle and Beth and told me that I was wrong for not allowing the girls to go to Egypt. Then Elle asked me how long it had been since I had a vacation. I told her that I have not had a vacation in over 20 years. My mom offered to pay for half of each of the girls trips.

I got up and walked away. I did not want a fight.

Everytime I told Amber to do something my mother would contradict me.

My mother told me that she would not be coming out for this Christmas. She said that she just can't be away from my sister and hell child. Well thanks for sharing that info with me.

I asked my shrink why in the world she is even California. My shrink said that she is looking for an anchor. Hmm

The night Amber graduated my mom and one of my friends were talking. They were talking about how children return to the nest. My mom looked at me and said "They all return". I just snapped back " and some of us move to California because we can't afford to live in Samoa"

Today I took my mom down to the train. That's right. I did not even take my mom to the air port. I took her to the train station.

On the way down there I gave her all of the girls account information. I said " here is everything that you will need to pay half on the girls trip. I will pay the other half of Nikki's. Amber is on her own. If amber does not come up the money for the rest of the trip then that is between you and her. I do not want to see pictures, and don't bring me anything back and I defiantly don't want to hear about it."

My mom tried to convince me that I should get a job and pay for my trip. My mom does not get it.

Right before my mom got on the train I said "Well I will see you when ever you come back."

My mom said "well we will talk."

 I just smiled and said " there is nothing to talk about."

Oh I so want to cry. I want to scream. I don't want to be a mom any more.

Rusty and I sat down and talked about all of this tonight. The girls are going to Egypt and I am staying home. I guess good mom's do things like this for their children. Rusty is not happy.

Rusty had no real answers for me and that was fine. I just wanted to vent.

I did however come to the conclusion that I need to keep my mom at a distance. I cut her off for 10 years before. I think it is time for her to be cut off again. I just can't handle the stress that she brings into my home.

I told Rusty that if we had medical insurance that I would be on anti depressants! Rusty just laughed and said " You are stronger then that". I am glad that someone thinks so.

So here I sit tonight. I have no real answers and I am still holding back the tears.

I would like to say that you to everyone who sent Amber a card. We will be getting thank you cards out this week.


springangel235 said...

I feel so bad that your Mom said these things in front of all those people.   I hope down the road she and you can talk it out...and make amends...hugs and love,

momiscool2 said...

Oh I feel for you hon,

I come from a very critcal family - starting with my mom who passed away 10 years ago.  She passed the critical torch down to my brother.
I stopped the cycle and went a bit the other way with my kids - and they make me pay by walking all over me - thats not good either.

Sometimes you need to distance yourself for your own well being  and health.

I'm sorry she hurt you - you do so much for your girls - you are a great mom.

As for antidepresants - you can be as strong as hercules - if you feel you need them - it doesn't make you weak.

I will keep you in my prayers.

You just do what is right for you - cry if you need to - its a release - vent - yell - we are here for you and we love you!!!!


lv2trnscrb said...

you are welcome, Kelli (((Kelli))) I'm so sorry; I am just so sorry......

remember you are a wonderful person, a great friend, a fantastic mother, a devoted wife and a good daughter; I'm sorry your mom doesn't see that when so many others see it

distance is sometimes good



hugsdoodlewacky said...

(((((((((((((((((((((HUGSTOYOU)))))))))))))))))))))I am sorry you had a not so good time with your Mom,She doesnt see that your a good person and raising your kids good.I hope and pray you feel better soon.

lisa41076 said...

Awwwwwwww Kelli, your mom sounds like mine, Happy Almost Birthday, Love Lisa

lsfp1960 said...

Ahhhhh...I'm so sorry that the visit with your mom did not go well. I can't even imagine what that would feel like.  I hope that you and your girls have solid, loving relationships and that you will always be close to them.  I still wouldn't cut her off completely...I'd just keep her at a polite arms length. Take care and have a good Father's Day there at your house.  Linda in Washington state

hugsdoodlewacky said...

((((((((((((((((((((((HUGSTOYOU))))))))))))))))I wanted to also let you know,I know that Tee shirt,I have one with the same saying on it,I wear it to bed sometimes.Pain is weakness leaving your body.I think someone gave it to me.How ever,my BRother was in the army when He was younger.

nelishianatl said...

Amber's card is coming  however late, but I didn't forget that dear girl.  You are right.  Your Mom so doesn't get it.  You are within your rights to cut the negative people out of your life.  She is wrong.  Very wrong.  I had family come and usurp my authority with my kids until now that they are grown, they dismiss everything I say.  I can hear your pain in every word.  The Marines are wrong about it being a weakness coming out.  I don't think 'feeling' is weak.  Numbing out to how others feel, like your Mom is doing IS WEAK because she's AFRAID to feel the pain.  Therefore you are one tough cookie to know this and still go on.  I am so so sorry about this trip being the fiasco that it's ended up being.  I wish you could go.  I wish you peace when they go.  

Hugs my friend,


beckerb6 said...

I am sorry that the visit didn't go well. I am sorry that you were hurt. I am sorry to that your Mom doesn't realize how blessed she is to have you as a daughter.  I am so glad that I have got to know you through your journal.

glensfork4 said...

So sorry kelli......ugh is what I am thinking.

Sometimes it is us that has to let go for our own well beings......

I love the saying...even copied it. Thinking about getting a shirt made....(unless a Marine you know wants to donate one to me..hehe)


lanurseprn said...

I am so sorry things are so strained between you and your Mom. I don't know what to say. You are a great Mom yourself though. Just always remember that ok?

gehi6 said...

yes, I can see why you might need distance from your mom.  Some moms don't have respect for their children and say and do things all the time that sort of violates their space.  I did find this to be so with my mom.  I figure her dad's personality made it it impossible for her not to be a rather abusives mother, as I thought he had certainly been abusive to her, but that still didn't mean I could stand being very close to her.  I just tried my best to break the pattern with my own kids.  I do think some parents can interfere so much with their kids' development that they cripple them.  While some kids like you have the wit to resist.  My sister just younger than I am was heavily influenced into negative attitudes by her, as your sister probably was.  She did not see the danger and couldn't really reason about it.  To this day she can upset me with her negativity which is very reminiscent of my mother's effect on me, but clarity on your part has saved you from copy cat behavior, I think.   Gerry

deshelestraci said...

I swear mothers are a trip.  I pray,pray, pray that I don't make my girls nuts when they are older.  Mine is mild compared to some though.  I'm sorry that her trip out to see you wasn't what it should have been.  I don't get why you are not going to Egypt.  You need to go.

helmswondermom said...

I hate that you had to go through that with your mother.  And I really do wish that you could go on that Egypt trip.

browney44 said...

My mother and sister exhaust me, I can't focus on what is more important in my life, my family.  I've learned that stress from needy people can cause health problem for myself.  For now I've cut them from my life, it makes it easier to breath.