Tuesday, August 30, 2005

a day of cleaning

Well we made our dump run and boy did it stinl up there. I was also shocked at what people took to th dump. I swear our country wastes more then most countries have! I am going to get on my soap box here, I saw some one dump a really good little tykes playhouse, some coolers, and even a complete twin bed that still had the plastic on it. What the heck? Please think I am cheap and that is fine but at least I am not wastefull. All of our old clothing is passed on, anything else will find a home somewhere! I do not get it. I really enjoy yard sales and rummage sale because at least the stuff is not going into the trash. Case and point. I bought a big box of card for $.50! Evertone laughed. We have been using those cards all yer long and there are even a ton of Christmas cards in there! Wgy not?! o.k. I am off my box.

Today Rusty cleaned out his truck and boy did that take forever! The man took out a lawn and leaf trash bag full of shit! Then he cleand out from under the work bench, he found yet more shit. The man is a pack rat.

Amber is back in hot water. I found out today that she has called her boyfriends house three times today. She grew some balls because we were outside when she did it. So here is what it has come to. Rusty is going to build a lock box so that we can put the phone in it. We are turning the ringer off. Nikki is going to be pissed because now she wont be able to use the phone, but that will just make her mad at Amber. Mind games are great! We are now going to pit Nikki against her.

Speaking of Nikki we got her state test results back today. She scored off the charts! Her highest score was in math.....95%! We are so proud of her.

oh I forgot that I scrubed my car down today. It was so nast, but now it is clean. There are no more rock hard fries on the back seat.

Today I am thankful to have been able to spend time helping Rusty clean out the truck.

could not sleep

One of the cats woke me up very early this morning, so I am up and sorta moving.

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. As soon as I closed me eyes I saw Rusty have his heart attack. My eyes popped open. I have been doing good, but for some reason last night was not so good. Anyway, I just rolled over and put my head on Rusty's chest and I finally fell asleep.

One of my friends asked me to come to new york and visit them. I have never ben to New York. I do actually want to go. I really want to stand on Ellis Island on look in on America. I want to maybe for a second see what my grandmother saw when she came to this country.

 Sad to say her family was not allowed to stay, so they went to Canada. My grandparents did eventually come to America, but by that time my grandmother was a grown women. On my dads side of the family I am only second generation born here.

I am not sure what I have to do today. Rusty has some stuff he needs to do in the afternoon and then the girls are going to church tonight. I am thinking maybe today will be a slow day. I will clean up the house and then do.....?

Nikki has started basic Algebra. So that means that with in the next few years I will no longer be able to help her with her math homework. I am glad that I went back to college for a little bit because at least now I know algebra. I stopped going to school because it just got to be to much for me. Between work, school, the children, and trying to keep up wih the house it was just to much. Rusty said that once all of his disability kicks in that I can go back to college for free. To tell the truth I do not see me going back anytime soon.

The youngest cats are running around playing, Mrs. Cleo and P anther will have none of that. Rascle is holding down the sofa, and the hampsters are sleeping. Some days it is hard to keep up with the critters!

I need to start getting the children up and ready. Rusty usually does this, but sice dipstick want to play on me I am up. Besides Rusty should be able to sleep in too!

Right now I am thankful for hot coffee

Monday, August 29, 2005

a horse in our yard

There is a lady that rides her horse around and today she stopped and started talking Ryan. This lady is so nice. I sat outside with her for a little over an hour and we just talked. Her horses name is hurley and he is so mellow! So ryan got to ride hurley, so ryan had a good day. I still cannot belive that this horse just walked around our front yard1 LOL

We cleaned out our garage tonight. Now we have to make a dump run in the morning. Rusty finally started throwing away alot of shit that he does or has not used in so long. It is amazing that one man can have so much stuff! Then again both of his parents are pack rats.

Tonight while Rusty and I were talking he said to me that he has never seen a women own nothing and be proud of it. Well he was talking about me and he is right. I own nothing that holds any value and if it all dissappeared I would be fine. Am I strange? I do not "own" the furniture in our house, as a matter of fact I can name the items of furnitur that I actually picked out and like. I would be sad if I lost all of the childrens pictures. Anyway, Rusty has so much stuff that he can look at and it will trigger a memory, I do not have that. I think Rusty is the lucky one.

I talked to an old friend tonight and she said something that really made me think. In short she wants a baby. We know a lot of couples that want babies. What is up with that? Why are all of our friends childless and there are day that we want to give ours away? One day all of our friend will have children and they will be awesome parents because they have wanted it for so long.

Our house refi is almost done and I am so happy!

Today I am thankful for a clean garage.

to many questions!

   o.k. it is 2 a.m. and I put on the water to make some tea. So I figured I would check my e mail and write. Man! so many question!

O.k. here it goes. Rusty is going to build me a room that is outside, yet screend in so that the cats can go out. The entry way in to the cat house will be through one of the windows on the back poarch.

Whats craigs list?! You dont know about this. O.k. here is the link.



Now about the bathroom. I am doing a total gut on the hallway bathroom. I am going for  total 20's style bathroom. If you look way back there are pictures of the tub that I am redoing!.

There is a wood working place by where I work, and we all share the same dubpster, sooooo...... I got a bunch of wood out of there tonight. I told rust that I was going to bring it home. Anyway he said that if he could not use it for the cat house and if we cant find another use for it, we can always burn it! Yes everyone I go dumpster diving.

Tonight was crazy at work! I was told that it will only get worse when the other petition comes out. Great!!!!!! NOT oh well at least I am working.

Rusty called me at work tonight to tell about the famly on extreme make over home edition. This gal had to have some work done on her heart on the only place in the country that could do it was loma linda! The same hospital where Rusty had his heart work done. I wonder if Rusty knows how hard I fought to get him to loma linda. When there was not a bed open and they said that they wer going to send him to l.a. or san diego I pitched a fit. I wanted loma linda. I want the best for th love of my life. When people would say that they were going to pray for us I asked them to pray that we got loma linda. On the day that Rusty got transfered we were told that he would be staying where he was for another day, and then out of the blue they said you leave in an hour! I was so happy. I knew that Rusty was going to the best place and that is what I wanted for him.

well I am going to go sit on the front poarch and finish my tea and then go to bed.

right now I am thankful to home and that my family is safe in bed.



Sunday, August 28, 2005

getting ready for work

There is not much going on around here. I have to work this afternoon so I am doing laundry and trying to clean up the house. Now that is what I call fun.

All of the cat's including Elli's have taken to climbing the screen door. A friend suggested that I get a spray and and squart them when they do this. They only do this when Rusty and I are sitting on the front poarch. Rusty also thinks that all of the cats are taking all of his blankets and bed space in a hope that he will sleep on the sofa. I think Rusty needs to find something else to worry about!

Rusty said that he would build me a little "screened" ( actually it will be chicken wire) for the cats. We are going to have the entrance going out a window! LOL Yes this is another one of my ideas and like a good husband Rusty is going to build it for me.

We have an old camper shell for his truck that I am going to list on craigslist. I am going to ask $50 for it, or I will trade it for tile or a sink for the bathroom. If I get one of those items then it will help me to keep my bathroom re-do under $1,000! Then I can also take the tub in and have it sandblasted.

Well I am off to finish laundry and chill for a little before I head off to work.

Today I am thanful for a husband who puts up with all of my hair brained ideas.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

not much going on today

I have done as little as any one person can. I did unload the dishwasher, and mop the floor. Stopped at one yerd sale and that is it! What a lazy day.

Maybe I should sew something. Maybe I should clean something. No I think I am going to go take some trash out and sit on the sofa the rest of the day.

Friday, August 26, 2005

things are looking up!

We got a call today from a friend in the loan biz. He found us an awesome deal on a refi! Our payments will be under $900!!!!!!!! I am on cloud nine. I just hope that all goes well.

Then I went outside while the neighbors lawn guy was there and I asked him how much to do our yard. He siad $25 a month! He got the job! It also helps that our lawn mower took a crap last week! We are high class now, we have a gardner.

Elli called me today to check on her cat. Like I cannot take care of a cat. LOL Rusty then laughed at me necause I also call to check on our pets. I just hate to be away from them.

So I am off to finish dinner. Nothing fancy just chicken, mashed potatoes, and corn on the cob.

Today I am thsnkful that I got to sit on my front poarch and watch a hawk soar.

Rusty was thinking of me

Well yesterday I asked Rusty to stop at the pet store and get one of the cats a harnes and a chain so it could go outside. Yes that is right I now chain up one of the cats. He loves to g out, I am so scared that he will get hit by a car or eaten by another dog.

So while Rusty was at the store he saw another hampster that looked just like the one that died. He brought it home for me! He said that he knew I was worried about the other hampster, because she was so lonely that she was not eating. So I named the new hampster T.G and it stands for tiny girl.

What do I do for work? I work for a guy that does the petition's. I actually sit behaind th computer and check to make sure that the people are registered voters. If I am not doing that Then I am stamping voter cards, checking voter cards, or doing what ever else needs to be done. The reason my boss has been shot at is because he pays some people in cash because they dont have bank accounts.

We requested that Amber be put in some harder classes to give her a challange. Amber thinks that we did it so that we can watch her fail. Rusty and I told her that, that was not the reason. We want her to have to try at school this year and not just fuck off. We also told her that we both will be here to help her and that there is tutoring if she needs that. What we want is for Amber to face a challenge and tackle it head on. We want her taste success!

Nikki said that I was a cool mom. She caled me at work last night and asked me sew up her jeans. So at 1:30 this morning I was patching jeans and doing it so the stitching would not show. Nikki told Rusty that I was cool for doing that and that she would not have done that for children.

Today I am going to clean up the house, help Ryan with his school work and maybe catch a nap. Nothing to excieting, but everyonre needs some slow days.

Today I am thankful for  child that thinks I am cool.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Rusty says that....

Rusty says that I spoil all of the cats. I think they are pampered. I asked Rusty to go buy a harnes and a leash for one of the cats. Yes I actually want to let cat out. Rusty thinks I spoil him.

I am sewing some quilts for the cats. They like soft things to lay on. Rusty says I spoil them and that I have lost my mind.

I give the cats milk in the morning and peas at night. They cats love this and the will wait and howl until they get it. Rusty says I spoil the cats.

I have to work tonight and I am glad about that. I dont mind working and the money is good.

The girls have ben good for the past few day's, but they have been on lock down. The girls are not allowed to go anywhere except school, they are not allowed to use the phone, and no one is allowed to come over. It sucks that it has come to this, but I am not sure what else to do at this point.

Summer is coming to an end. I like summr and I had a lot that I wanted to do with the children. Well.... not this year. There is always next year. I love sitting on the beach, planting flowers, and smelling honeysuckel. I will miss summer.

Well I am off to start my day!

today I am thankful for the little joys of summer.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

not much going on

Yesterday was a very slow day, but that is good. I am almost done with my project. I have two items left to sew and the machine took a crap. So I am going to spend the day trying to fix it. Rusty thinks I should just give it up and go buy a new one. HMMMMMM.............

Rusty has been having a lot more good days. I am so glad to see him up moving and not being worn out from walking down the hall.

I love thrift stores! I think more people should shop them. I actually shop thrift stores and yard sales for stuff I need before I buy it new. There is just something about taking something old and using it again. And even if it is not an old item at least I saved money because I did not pay full price for it! LOL I say that I am frugal, but rusty says a cheap. I know that I am right!

So anyway I am off to start my day.

I am thankful for the cool mornings where I can sit outside and drink coffee


Monday, August 22, 2005

good day for school

Both of the girls had a good day at school! I am so happy for them. It was nice for me to have a break from them.

So I got a wild hair up my ass and I am now working on a project for a friend. I am doing it without her knowing! I love surprising people. Anyway Rusty thinks I am crazy, but that is nothing new.

Rusty came in today and said that he was having a hard time catching his breath. So I called my mom to find out if that was normal. She said yes and no. So I just kept an eye on him and once he got into a cooler place and sat down he was good. This is another thing people never told me.

So I am keeping Elli's cat while she is in Alaska. The kitten is so cute and her name is dipstick! O.K. so the count is now 4 cats, 1 dog,1 hampster, and some fish. Not to bad.

I scored some more pyrex today. One of the pieces I got is from a childs play set in the 40's! each piece goes for 50 buck and I paid a 1 buck for it! I got this other bowl, but I cant find it in my pyrex book so if someone come across it while surfing e bay or something please let me know.

The pictures are of dipstick and Mrs. Cleo sleeping togather and of the bowl.

today I am thankful for thrift stores

nice to work

Well it sure was nice to get out of th house and go to work last night. It was nice to see alot of the people that I have known for years.

Our friend Elli came last night and once I got home from work we sat outside and talked for a while. It is nice to have someone to just sit and chill with. Elli said that she wants a marriage like mine and Rusty's! Elli said that Rusty's eye lit up when I came home, and he even made sure that the girls left some food for me! The only thing is, is that mine and Rusty's relationship was a very long time coming. We both had bad relationships before. So for us it was more that we knew what we did not want in a relationship. I know that Elli will find someone and when she does I will be so happy for her.

The girls are at school. I love hearing nothing in the house. Lets face it Ryan is a calm child. I am really hoping that the girls have great school years. Both of them are on the dance team's at their schools, so I am vry proud of them.

Rusty cut his foot last night and it was bleeding. I asked elli to make sure that it had stopped and then Rusty got mad at me and hung up on me! I know that I worry way to much, but I cant help it.

Today I thankful that I still have the ability to hope.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

dont know what to say

Well today has hust been great. Amber came outside to try to tell me that she was sorry. I told her to keep it, because she is not sorry, she is just sorry that she got cought.

I have no feelings over this. All I told her was that she better be damn glad that she is not 18, because if she was then her ass would be out on the street. I am not stressed, I am not angry I am just nothing. I have no feelings on the subject.

Then come to find out that ikki was out running the street last night. Great. I did not ask her about it because I dont feel like being liad to. I just told her that her life as she knows it is over.

Did I mention in my last post that someone opened the hampsters cage and Rusty found the head of one of the hampsters.

To top it all off I had to take the girls shopping for school clothes. I bought Ryan three t shirts today. One says sister for sale. The next one says sister for sale...house broken and ready to work. The last one says I'm the good kid. The girls saw no humor in these shirts

On a good note my boss called me and I start work tomorrow! Thank God for the little things.

Today I am thankful for work.

it is to early for this shit!

Well Rusty got up to go to the nathroom and went to have a look around the house. The house was trashed! So he goes into Ambers room to get her up and their is Ambers boyfriend.

So now I am up because I hear yelling and then I realize why he is yelling. So we called the police, and his mom. Bottom line is now we have to go to court to keep him away. Wonderful.

I know that Amber and this "boyfriend" are having sex. So far no babies and there better not be any. I will not raise them.

I have not spoken with Amber yet, because I am not sure what to say.

I will keep you posted.

Friday, August 19, 2005

I have done nothing today

I have done nothing today. I so sick of being broke and I am so sick of nothing to do. All I did today was sit on the sofa and eat. I did wash up some of the dishes and took out the trash. Big fuchking deal.

I cant wait to go back to work just to get out of the house!

A lady I know stopped by and offered me a job today. She ownes a shop and a booth at a swap meet. So she asked me if I would want to sell some quilts there. She will buy everything and then pay me to make them. Well it sure beats the hell out of sitting on the sofa all day.

I guess I can say that I have done it all now. I have run a day care, work fast food, cleaned houses, made care parts, flipped pizza, etc.... and now I can add quilt maker to my list. I dont really like the idea because quilts were something that I would make for people that I knew and that I would give away to them. Now I am going to be sewing quilts for strangers. Oh well, the money will help out. And I have always done what I needed to do to get by. So I guess this will be no different.

Rusty is back to wanting nothing to do  with me. Enough said there.

Today I am thankful that it is almost over.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

found child

Well the missing girl finally called her mom. It seem that one of her friends told their dad that this girl had no where to go. So... this grown man picks up a teenage girl and takes her back to his place, so this girl and his son can?????

I so dont get it. oh well

Today was a good day. I got my full work out in today and I even managed to make a really good meal for a change. It was not to hot today so Rusty was able to grill, Which he loves!!!

Rusty and I told the girls the other night that they needed to start getting up earlier and start getting ready to go back to school. Have they done that? no! So we are letting them sleep in until noon and stay up as late as they want. They are big girls, so thet will find out on monday that 5:30 comes early when you went to bed at midnight!

Ryan is doing awesome in his school work. I am so happy that he is learning more then the schools could have ever tought him.

A lady we know stopped by with a ton of food! Her mom works at a food bank so she stopped by and asked if we could use any of this stuff. She gave us so much food! I am very greatful. She actually gave us more then we could use so I gave some to my friend Julie. I dont mind sharing and giving when I have it to give.

Life is good. Today I am thankful that Rusty got to do something that he loved.....GRILL

M.I.A. child

One of the girls friends comes over here on Wednesday's to catch a ride to youth group, and then her mom picks her from here after youth group. So I though last night would be no different.

About 10 min. ago this girls mom showed up and said that she was here to pick up her daughter! So I go into Ambers room and no girl. I go into Nikki's room no girl. So I got the girls out of bed. Someone else picked this girl up and her mom has no idea where she is. The mom has tried calling her daughters cell phone but it is going to voice mail.

I know this moms pain. She is so scared and is wondering where her daughter is.

I have been told that I am to uptight because I wont let the children have video games, or cell phones or have a t.v. in their rooms. I now call parents and check to make sure someone is going to be there. I guess I am not so up tight.

Anyway, I feel for this mom.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

some people are brain dead!

So we get this letter from one of the hospitals that Rusty was in telling us that we owe them $29 for his medical records. Now I dont have a problem with paying the money, but why dident they tell us this two weeks ago?! These records were suppose to be sent to the review board for Rusty's disability! So now not only do we have to drive these records to San Diego! If this brain deaf lady had told us this 2 weeks ago we would not be doing all of this running around no! I hate stupid people.

So I saw this really cool place ( I call it a house) and I told Rusty that I wanted him to buy it for me. So on our way back from the hospital (because of brain dead people) I told Rusty that I would show him this place. As soon as we turned on the street he said I am not going to buy you a church! How did he know that I wanted a church? Rusty about lost it. He cant believe that I want a church. Now think about this. Plenty of bedrooms, plenty of toilets, a kitchen, achoir loft so we can make our own music. It would be perfect. But nooooooo Rusty thinks that I am just wrong. I think he needs to step out of his box.

I am so glad that the girls go back to school on Monday! I so need a break.

Anyway, I started doing yoga and using the bowflex again. So now I am back. I walk two miles a day, train with weights and do a lot of stretching. It is nice to be bck to me.

So I am off. All of the children are gone, so I am going to go spend a few hours with Rusty. Just the two of us!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

great day!

Today has been great! Rusty got up this moring and he hit the ground running. Rusty took Amber up to the new high school so that she could get her classes. And now he will be gone all evening do some business.

Amber made the dance team at school. I am very proud of her. Amber has tried out for the dance team before and has not made it. She has tried out for cheer and did not make it. So making the dance team this year will be a big boost for her! She does know that she has to keep her grades up and that if she misses just one class then it is all over. I cant have her pulling the shit she did last year, yet I hope this year will be a great year for her.

So Rusty took a picture of Amber when she found out that we joined the p.t.a.! Now she knows that we will be around the school to check up on her! LOL

The other picture is a picture is a picture of our youngest cat. His name is Gunner and he is not a year old yet. Rusty said that is name should be zippy the dumb ass. He really is dumb! LOL

I am off to enjoy an evening with my children!

Today I am thankful that Rusty is feeling so much better.

sex after a heart attack

Rusty is on a high dose of blood preasure meds. So sex is not something that we can count on. Last night however was great! I think that sex is better now because it is not something that I know I can have all the time. Sex after a heart attack is so much better.

I am off to start my day. We have to register Amber for school, and I am back into the swing of Ryans work. I am looking foward to an awesome day at home!

Monday, August 15, 2005

a semi good day

All in all today was good. Rusty and I argued about how I treat him. He says I treat him like a child, but I say that I am loving him and trying to keep him safe. I think we have just agreed to disagree.

Rusty did walk around the block today. I am so proud of him! I knew that it was going to be a long road back but at least we have started up the road.

For some reason I feel very stressed out today. I should not be and I hav even walked a lot today. Who knows.

Amber has to go register for school in the morning. I am really hoping for a better year this year. I am going to try to get more involved in the school, so that way she will know that I will be at the school. However I have also told her that if she fucks up like she did last year I will yank her out of school so fast that her head will spin. The sad thing is, is that I did it to her last year, so she knows that I will do it again.

Am I a mean mom because I want better for my daughter then ditching class, smoking and do lord only knows what else? I remember being a teenager and I did some really stupid stuff, but nothing like that. I want to know who forgot to give me the parenting handbook when Amber was born.

Anyway, I am off to get some sleep. Today I am thankful for all our children being home and being safe.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

a day of walking

Today was filled with walking! but hats o.k. It was not to hot today so Rusty and I went up to the outlet mall and walked around. I am glad that he is able to walk a little bit more everyday.

Then for some reason tonight I was just full of energy, so I went on my normal 2 mile walk, but I still had energy so I kept walking. I cant wait for the new high school to open because then I can walk on the track and do some stairs.

So one of our friends might be coming back here for school. Thats cool, I love Tony, except he wants to see me in my birthday suit. Now I dont see what the big deal is. He saw me wear that suit swimming last year! But hey, since I missed his birthday I am going to ask him if he would like to watch me take a shower. When I told Rusty this he just laughed and said go for it! Hey if he wants to see my body then bring it on. I think it looks good for all I put it through!

I talked to my boss yesterday and told him that I need to work. I explained everything that went on the last few weeks, so as soon as work picks up he will let me know and he said that he would give me all of the hours that I wanted. I have asked for extra hours in the past but he would ask me not to take them because the other girls really NEEDED the money. Now I really need the money, so he is going to give me all the hours I want. The best part is,,,,,,,cash!

As for the post on last entry. Hazel could have gone to the meeting where my formal complaint was read. I really did want her to know how bad she hurt me and how to just see the look on her face when the letter was read. But that chapter of my life is closed and I am moving on.

I would love to go sit on the beach, watch the sun go down and have a few drinks. I need to hire some good looking guy to take hois shirt off and wait on me all day. Then someone will have to drive me home! Yes I am a pig and yes I like to have eye candy. However the only eye candy that I am unwrapping and eating is Rusty.

Life is good and all of the walking has cought up with me. I must go crash.

Today I am thankful for the cool weather.


Saturday, August 13, 2005

Hazel was a no show

Thats right, Hazel did not even show up today. So I just came home. I will not give my good energy to a place that has negative energy pouring out of it. So it is over. I am still sticking to my guns about not going there until she if dead or fired.

I am not sure what I am going to do today. I need to do the usuall, like clean, but that sounds so boring!

I guess boring can be good, so I am going to go sit outside and drink a cup of coffee and just enjoy some cooler weather.

Friday, August 12, 2005

the girls are back!

I am so happy that the girls are back from camp! The house just was not the same without them. I love the noise that they bring into the house.

In the morning I get to face Hazel. I am so calm about the whole thing. I am not sure if I will be that way in the morning, but for now I am not even worried about it.

Well Amber was not the one that got hurt at summer camp. This trip it was Nikki. She has this huge bruse on her tummy. I tried to figure out how it happened and I can come up with is water balloons and a sling shots. I think that is all the info that I need.

So my friend Ray says to me that he saw the perfect car for me today. It was a v.w. bus painted pink with yellow flowers and peace signs on it! He is right that is so me. Since Rusty is a chevy man I am stuck with a chevy. I am still trying to throw away all of the furniture so that I can get bean bag chairs. Rusty does not see the humor in this.

O.K. so maybe I am a throw back from the 60's but that is me. My hippie clothing, my hippy views on raising children, and my hippie views on the enviroment. Well... that is just me. I dont think people would like me if I was any other way.

Rusty is out with a friend tonight. I am glad that he went out. He needs to get out and be with his friends. I am just so glad that he is feeling better. Next week Rusty starts all of his treatments. I am hoping that they will lower his blood preasure med, so that he can do more things.

I was watching Oprah the other day and she said something that fits my life now. Our life is not over, it has just been altered. That is so true. Our life will never be the way it was before, but  we will have a life.

Today I heard Rusty complaining to one of his friends. He was complaining about the blood thinning drug that I allowed the doc. to give him. The drug is like drano for the body and it gets rid of blood clots. There is a 1% chance of bleeding into the brain with this drug. Well anyway Rusty was complaining because his eyes are still not all healed up and he is still not hearing good out of one ear. I let Rusty know that I was the one that who signed the paper for the doctor to give him this med. I was the one who took the chance, so if he wants to be mad at someone then he needs to be mad at me. If I was given the chance to do it all again I would. I will take no hearing and red eyes as long as he is still up right!

Thursday, August 11, 2005

an o.k. day

Well nothing really happened today. Rusty was not feeling good so we hung out most of the day.

I have another entry for my book on spouses of heart attacks. I want to know why no one told me that sleeping would be hard. Since the day Rusty came home I have been having trouble getting to sleep. Everytime I am about to drift off to sleep an image of something bad pops into my head and wakes me up. I will either see Rusty screaing on the kitchen floor, or I will see the doctor hit him or whatever. There were so many scarry moments for me that week. Why doesent someone tell us how to get past it? I do fall asleep, but it take me forever! I wonder when this will stop.

Anyway there will be no more pitty party here. Today I am thankful for being able to spend some time watching a video with Rusty.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

went to the o.c.! LOL

Today I went to San Juan. I just wanted to get away and do nothing. I wanted to talk to no one. I wanted to have time to think, destress and renew myself.

I walked around the shops and I found a great little shop that sell nothing but silver and turquoise jewerly. That is my favotite type of jewerly. One of these days I will be able to afford to walk in there and buy what I want.

I walked through this antique store that had a ton of Pyrex! With what that store store was charging.... well lets say that I could make a lot of money selling off my pyrex.

I ate lunch at this little coffee shop across the street from the mission. This place had one of my favorite treats....7 layer bar! If I ever made these bars at home I would be so fat. I would eat all of them and not share with anyone.

Then I drove down the coast and stopped at a beach. The beach sure was beautiful.

The ocean smelled so salty and good. There were no clouds in the sky and a very nice breeze was blowing. The blues and greens of the ocean were so bright. The ocean even sounded good. I love the sound that the waves makes when they hit the sand and the rocks. Truth be told I just love the ocean.

When I am at the ocean all of my negative thoughts disappear. The ocean is good music for my soul.

Rusty and I are so different when it comes to the ocean. I would be happy to live on the ocean and Rusty hates it. I love to swim, boat, and walk on the beach. Rusty hates all of these things. Dont get me wrong. Rusty will go to the beach with me, but he will not have a good time while we are there.

I guess that is one way in which Rusty and I are different. But that is o.k. because if we were exactly a like that would be no fun.

I saw a couple today taking a video of the ocean. So I asked the coupl if I could take a picture of them. I not only got to take a picture of them, but I also got some video of them in the ocean. It was the first time either of them had seen the ocean.

Tonight Rusty and I went to the store and got some lunch meat and just made sandwiches for dinner. It was nothing fancy but it was good to just be with Rusty. I am now more calm and I am ready to take on the world again. I finally got my get away!


san juan    http://www.missionsjc.com/


7 layer bar   http://www.cooks.com/rec/doc/0,1910,155182-233204,00.html

my day is free

Well the girls are at camp, Ryan went to day camp and Rusty is off visiting a friend. So what should I do today? I SHOULD clan up the house, but that does not sound like much fun.

I would love to go the beach today and just sit and watch the surf. Maybe even watch the sunset. Or I could go tour one of the old missions. I need to do something and I need to get out of the house. But we are on a budget that is tight, so I am not sure.

I want to scream! I need to get away, but I have a feeling I will be stuck here all day doing nothing.

Tuesday, August 9, 2005

a good day

Last night a marine we know stopped me on my walk and asked me if I needed a ride. I told him, that I was walking for exercise. Sowe went back to the house so he could park his truck and he walked with me. I finally asked him what he was doing up at our place in the middle of the week. He started to cry and said " my grandmother had a stroke and dont expect her to pull of it. I just needed to get away".

So we finished our walk and then he hung out with us the rest of the night. It is nice to know that we are soft place to land for people when they need it. I dont know if we helped him, but we fed him dinner and just bull shited all night.

Today I realized that Ryan will be done with his second grade math book this week and starting  third grade math next week. That puts him only one year behind in math! We have made up so much ground. I guess we really have shown the system what a special needs child can do if the standard in raised.

I watched an awesome movie today called "Something the Lord made" It was about the doctors at Johns hopkins who figured out how to operate on the heart. It was an awesome movie and I recommend it to anyone.

Rusty did not go down and lay into Hazel. We talked about it, but he is going to do it the right way. Rusty is also getting very......well he is seeing all of the negitive people. We found out who our friend were. People that live near us could not pick up the phone and call, yet our friend in Italy called us everyday!

I need to go on my walk. I dont feel like, but I know that I have to do it. Walking is a good stress reliever for me and it is good for my heart. So I am off to walk and to get rid of the stresses of the day.

Today I am thankful for a day with my boys.

Monday, August 8, 2005

pissed off

Now I have been trying to keep my cool and I have been trying to blow people off, and I have been trying to be like Ceasers wife, but I swear I am going to blow real soon!

The other day Rusty went down to the v.f.w. because they are trying to put together a color guard. There was also a poker game going on, so Rusty sat don to talk to some of the guys.

Hazel opened her mouth and said well if they are hurting for money then why is Rusty playing poker. That bitch. I am so mad and i am ready to blow. Rusty is going down thre in the morning to talk to the bar manager about her. But that will do no good since she is his bitch. I want to go down there and lay into Hazel and see just how well her pace maker is working.

I can say that I found the lowest group of people ever. ( there may be a few who are not) There is no integrity, or respect down there. I dont see why people would want to be involved with them. They do nothing good for anyone, except at Christmas. So why bother.

I will never go there agian nor will I allow our children to be around these people. I want our children to be around people who will lift them up and give them praise, not people who are negative all the time.

I will shelter our children and myself from these people. We do not need to be around negative people. If Rusty wants to be around then that is fine with me, but I will not allow those people to drag our children and myself down.

I knew this would happen and now I am pissed off at the vet rep. People need to learn to keep their mouth shut. I guess I am no better because i am sitting here running them down, but at least I am speaking the truth. I would love nothing more then to pass out flyers with this web addy so that everyone down there would know how I feel. But I would guess that 99.9% are so old that they cant even turn on a computer.



Sunday, August 7, 2005

I should have...

Here I sat last night wondering if I will ever make love to my husband. I should have put that in writing sooner! All I can say is that last night was great! It was so nice to be that close to my husband again.

Today was a lazy day. I got our bedroom cleaned and did some yard work and that was about it. I enjoyed just sitting on the sofa and doing nothing.

The girls leave for summer camp in the morning, and they are looking foward to that! I am going to try to do some special stuff with Ryan so that he does not go stir crazy.

On Wednesday he wants to go up to the church because all of the children his age are having a day "out". So I am going to let him go. Then one of our friend run this  "thing" where you can shoot weapons at a screen. ( sound like a video game to me LOL) Anyway he said that he was going to try to get Ryan in to that. I am also thinking about taking him to the ocean. Ryan really likes the ocean. Last year he actually started catching some waves on the boogie board. Then Ryan and I like to walk on the beach and look for shells.

Today I am thankful that I had the energy and the time to do some way over due yard work.

Saturday, August 6, 2005

how come....

How come no one ever told me how much life was going to change after Rusty's heart attack?

How come no matter what I do my husband does not want to be close to me? I try to cuddle, but that gets me no where. At night we just go to own sides of the bed. Will we ever be intimate again?

How come I was not told that life would slow way down? Now I did expect it to , but for how long? How long will it take Rusty to bounce back or will he? I know these things take time but I wish someone would give me an idea as to how much time.

How come my spirt is now quiet? Yes I am the same. I am strong again and I can take on the world, but now I have no desire to be ....... the old me. I now speak differently, move differently, and I even think differently.

how come everytime I look at Rusty I want to hug him and hold him, and just cry. I think I want to cry because I still need to come to terms with what happened. I know that Rusty is getting sick of me kissing and hugging on him. He thinks that I am treating him like a child.

How come people are scared to come around? We use to have a house full of people all the time, but now it is like...... everyone is scared to be around us.

I told a friend tonight that someone should write a book on what the spouse should expect after a heart attack. He said that he would help me write it!

Today was actually a good day. I went to the distric meeting and got it straight from Jack as to what was said to our post. He never told anyone that we could not afford food.

Yesterday I found out that nothing will happen to hazel other hen a written warning. If this happens to someelse and they complain they she will be fired. So I spent all day yesterday wondering if this was one of those fights that I should walk away from since I know that I cant win it. Then Rusty said that at least I will be able to speak my mind. Well that will make me feel better but is that the right thing to do?

So then I talked with Elli about it. She was shocked that I was even thinking about speaking my mind and running someone down. So she said to me, " Kelli what do you tell me when I want to be mean and rip someone's head off" I said that I tell you to remember Ceasers wife". Then it hit me. Elli was throwing my advice back at me. Ceasers wife once said to be above reproach. So that is what I need to do.

Next Saturday I am going to go to the meeting and say nothing but what is in the letter that I wrote. Then I am walking out of the post until Hazel no longer works there. I told Rusty that I will not even be involved, if even only on paper, with a place that allows for its employees to speak mean to other people. I know this hurt Rusty a little, but he said he understands.

Why does doing the right thing hurt?

The girls had a blast today. We let them go to the mall and do some shopping, and then they went to see a movie. They had a good time. I was glad to see them getting back to hanging out with their friends.

We went to a friends house last night and I was looking through her cabnits looking for something dumb, when I stumbled on some super funky coffee cups! I asked her why she was not using them and she said that she did not like them. So I snaged them! I got a set of baby shit grees coffee cups,sugar bowl and a creamer! I love funky stuff.

OH! yesterday Elli had to sign a bunch of papers so that hse could close on her condo. So we went to my friend Lindas house since she is a notery. Linda and Elli got to talking and Elli mentioned that she had been to Iraq twice. Linda lost it. She did not charge Elli anything! She said that was the least she could do fo someone who has protected her freedom! So later that afternoon I went back to see Linda, and I took over my old pyrex french press. Linda has wanted it forever and I thought that the least I could do would be to give it to her. Rusty was shoched that I even parted with a piece of pyrex! Oh well. It is just a material object and I know that Linda wanted it. Actually Linda started to cry when I gave it to her.

Today I am greatful for being able to let the girls go be with their friends and that Ryan got to spend the day with his friend.

Thursday, August 4, 2005

good day

Today was a better day. I did not even think about what happened yesterday.

Rusty went out on a job interview and I finished a quilt. I started sewing this cape with the really cool dragonfly material that I found. Then Rusty and I went out for a while. We are trying to gt him up and around more.

Our friend Jason is sick, but his girlfriend is a doll and has been taking care of him. I am so glad about that because I am about at my end of taking care of sick people! LOL

In the moring we have to go pick up some medical records and go to the d.a.v. in San Diego. I also found out today that sudden unexplained heart attacks are part of Gulf War syndrom, so we are going to go get Rusty on the registrey.

today was a good day and for that I am thankful. I am going to finish cleanung up the kitchen and get into a shower. We have a long day ahead of us.

Wednesday, August 3, 2005

damaged pride

So yesterday I talked to this vet rep and asked him what the hell we were suppose to do now. He told me to let him think on it over night. So when I saw hime today he had some shocking news for me. He told one of our friends and the past post commander about our problem! I screamed at this man and told him that I would accept nothing for the post. After all the last thing I need is to be told once again that I need to find a way to care for my children. I have always kept food on the table and clothes on my childrens back. We had lived in some rat holes but at least we had shelter, so dont come in here and tell me how to care for my children.

When we got home I went straight to our room and sobbed like a baby. I do not want thosse people looking at me and wondering if I am takining care of my children. I really dont want Hazel knowing that things are tight. As a mom my pride is hurt. I have always done what I needed to do. To take a hand out will be hard.

After I calmed down Rusty and I talked more about the subject. I guess some people have called tonight and that something is in the works for us. Rusty said that in one of my journal pages I asked when it was going to be our turn. Well now it is our turn. I guess. I just dont like taking a hand out.

Rusty went and saw his doctor today. It seems that the type of heart attack he had is common in junkies and very old men. Well Rusty is neither so what the hell? Anyway a certain hormone level was in the 6,0000 and that after two days it should have been normal. So they are rtying to figure out what is going on there. He is still on some blood thinners so we have to watch for bleeding in the urine, eyes, and gums. Rusty can have nothing else done to him and he has to be very carefull or he could start bleeding. He is going to the ear doctor to see if he will ever get hearing back. I think he will since a little bit of it is back. Other then all of that he is doing good.

Rusty is going to a job interview in the morning. Everyone has told him not to go, but he said that he has to support his family. And he calls me pig headed!

Not to much else has happened today, so I am going to take my damaged pride and go get a bath.

Tuesday, August 2, 2005

can we catch a break?

Well we just found out that Rusty cann ot get disability. It seems that the state thinks that he has not worked enough. Hmmmm...all of those years in the god damn corps count for nothing? Thats right. If you are in the military they you dont pay into disability. So the bottom line serve your country, but dont expect anything in return because you will get nothing. I am finding out quick that vets get shit on!

So now what? I do not have a clue. We are going to file to have his disability rating up, but that will take a while.

I am so sick of everything right now. The last three years have been very hard on us and I am ready for someone to give us a break. But I will not tell anyone our problems and I will put up a strong front, and I will smile when people ask we are doing I will say just fine. After all no one really cares anyway. The post will just shit on us. Only two of Rustys "friend" have even stopped by to see how he is doing. I guess you really do find out who your friends are when the chips are down. Around here it looks like we dont have that many.

So life goes on and I keep moving. I will just put one foot in front of the other and take it hour by hour.

Someone I never expected to hear from e mailed me yesterday. He need some help in finding some people in need at camp pendleton. So I helped him out, but I will not go back to charity work ever again. I am not that kind any more.

I think I am going to go for a walk and try to get rid of a little stress.

I do need to find something to be thankful for today, so let me think......... I am thankful that it was only 102 degrees today.

Monday, August 1, 2005

busy day

Rusty and I have been on the run all day! We had to go see the vet rep and find out what papers we need to file with the government. That is going to be fun! NOT. Then we had to go to all three hospitals and request a copy of all of the medical records. Then Rusty had an appointment at the v.a. It has just been busy today.

On a good note we took a fruit tray, a vegi tray and some cookies up to the icu nurses. My mom works icu and she said that if we wanted to do something nice for them then we should feed them. So that is what we did! The nurses were so shocked... and hungry. The nurses were also glad to see that Rusty was doing good. On our way out the door we heard the nurses say that that was very sweet of us. So now we have to do the same thing for the night crew. It is the least we can do for the nurses and doctors that helped to save Rusty's life.

I have nothing that I have to do tomorrow. So I think that I am going to do some sewing and then just chill.

Oh. Rusty was told today that he would never work again. That did come as a blow to him, but I knew that was coming. I just did not want to say something and hurt him.

Here is something to laugh at.Twice today someone asked Rusty if I was his daughter. They were not kidding! Rusty did not think this was funny, but I did! LOL

I am thankful for another good day.