Saturday, August 6, 2005

how come....

How come no one ever told me how much life was going to change after Rusty's heart attack?

How come no matter what I do my husband does not want to be close to me? I try to cuddle, but that gets me no where. At night we just go to own sides of the bed. Will we ever be intimate again?

How come I was not told that life would slow way down? Now I did expect it to , but for how long? How long will it take Rusty to bounce back or will he? I know these things take time but I wish someone would give me an idea as to how much time.

How come my spirt is now quiet? Yes I am the same. I am strong again and I can take on the world, but now I have no desire to be ....... the old me. I now speak differently, move differently, and I even think differently.

how come everytime I look at Rusty I want to hug him and hold him, and just cry. I think I want to cry because I still need to come to terms with what happened. I know that Rusty is getting sick of me kissing and hugging on him. He thinks that I am treating him like a child.

How come people are scared to come around? We use to have a house full of people all the time, but now it is like...... everyone is scared to be around us.

I told a friend tonight that someone should write a book on what the spouse should expect after a heart attack. He said that he would help me write it!

Today was actually a good day. I went to the distric meeting and got it straight from Jack as to what was said to our post. He never told anyone that we could not afford food.

Yesterday I found out that nothing will happen to hazel other hen a written warning. If this happens to someelse and they complain they she will be fired. So I spent all day yesterday wondering if this was one of those fights that I should walk away from since I know that I cant win it. Then Rusty said that at least I will be able to speak my mind. Well that will make me feel better but is that the right thing to do?

So then I talked with Elli about it. She was shocked that I was even thinking about speaking my mind and running someone down. So she said to me, " Kelli what do you tell me when I want to be mean and rip someone's head off" I said that I tell you to remember Ceasers wife". Then it hit me. Elli was throwing my advice back at me. Ceasers wife once said to be above reproach. So that is what I need to do.

Next Saturday I am going to go to the meeting and say nothing but what is in the letter that I wrote. Then I am walking out of the post until Hazel no longer works there. I told Rusty that I will not even be involved, if even only on paper, with a place that allows for its employees to speak mean to other people. I know this hurt Rusty a little, but he said he understands.

Why does doing the right thing hurt?

The girls had a blast today. We let them go to the mall and do some shopping, and then they went to see a movie. They had a good time. I was glad to see them getting back to hanging out with their friends.

We went to a friends house last night and I was looking through her cabnits looking for something dumb, when I stumbled on some super funky coffee cups! I asked her why she was not using them and she said that she did not like them. So I snaged them! I got a set of baby shit grees coffee cups,sugar bowl and a creamer! I love funky stuff.

OH! yesterday Elli had to sign a bunch of papers so that hse could close on her condo. So we went to my friend Lindas house since she is a notery. Linda and Elli got to talking and Elli mentioned that she had been to Iraq twice. Linda lost it. She did not charge Elli anything! She said that was the least she could do fo someone who has protected her freedom! So later that afternoon I went back to see Linda, and I took over my old pyrex french press. Linda has wanted it forever and I thought that the least I could do would be to give it to her. Rusty was shoched that I even parted with a piece of pyrex! Oh well. It is just a material object and I know that Linda wanted it. Actually Linda started to cry when I gave it to her.

Today I am greatful for being able to let the girls go be with their friends and that Ryan got to spend the day with his friend.

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