Friday, August 31, 2007

here is my notice

I am giving Rusty my two week notice. I no longer want to be the mom or a house wife.

1. I got up this morning to find out that my children sucked down a gallon of chocolate milk. That is fine, except I told them that they had to leave me one glass. I did not even get that! So I said " whoever drank the last glass milk..... I hope you go into a diabetic coma"

2. I made Ryan breakfast and then went to get dressed. What in the hell was I thinking? I come back in 15 minutes and he had not touched his food. I guess that is my fault. What was I thinking that Ryan would actually remember to eat. So now he is running late and I hade to say every 30 seconds Ryan put food in your mouth, chew and swallow.

3. I go to have my first smoke of the morning. One to find out that someone smoked my last one. I told everyone in the smoke " I hope the person who smoked my last smoke dies of lung cancer.

4. We are getting some bottle feeders in this afternoon. So I went and got the crate out. Once I got it cleaned and fresh blankets in it, fluffy and George went in there and would not get out. I had to crawl into the crate to get them out!

5. I tried to use the vacuum today. That's right I tried. I blew up another vac! we only have carpet in two rooms and I managed to blow up a vac in record breaking time!

6. I went to make a cake and some how and some way all of my spatulas are gone! What in hell is that about?

7. I have not been able to log on for two days because someone reset something on the computer.

8. I have only had sex once this week! I swear I am going to rape my husband tonight.

I swear I need a funny looking smoke.


Wednesday, August 29, 2007

liquid crack

I just saw a thing on aol that said that 9 out of 10 Americans owns a gun. Hmmmm we have enough to make up for those who don't.

I said that I was going to give up starbucks. Now I am hooked on Burger Kings iced coffee. It is sooo goood. My girlfriend calls it my liquid crack. I so need some liquid crack this morning.

I have a very busy day planned. I need to go to the dairy and then to the grocery store. I still have to get some more pet quilts made, and get dinner cooked. I am taking a friend to the air port tonight. I have to call and get Nikki an appointment for a physical.

blah blah blah........

Lets talk about me! I am still on cloud nine. I am so jazzed that I have gotten my foot in the door. I can't wait for tomorrow.

O.K. so people have asked for a hint. Well o.k. I will give you a hint. It has wheels! LOL

Last night Rusty and I went out to dinner and then we went and looked at this house that I found. I so want to buy this house. It is an old craftsmen style home and I have always wanted to restore a home. Rusty said that I would never get my money back out of the house if I did restore it. I suggested that we live in it. Rusty did not like that idea. He said that the next time we move it will be out of California.

Hush his mouth. Move out of California? Oh I do not think so. I can't picture me living any other place. I love California!

So I introduced two marines to each other. Now they are talking about getting married! I am so excited for them. George ( the female marine) said to me "well who will walk me down the aisle? I do not even know who my dad is?" So Rusty has agreed to walk her down the aisle. The George says to Rusty "Did you know that I was born the year you graduated from boot camp!" Rusty just gave George the look of death. I think it is funny.

I need to get busy and get my day started. Here is a video for all the military wives out there missing their men. They wrote this song because on of their friends was a military wife.


Tuesday, August 28, 2007

not in the mood to do anything

Why am I in such a slump today? I just cannot find the energy to to do anything today.

Yesterday, I got most of the house cleaned, got the laundry done, finished a quilt top, made bread, worked on a secret project, and even found the time to sit on the porch swing and enjoy the evening.

Today I have no energy.

I got up only to fight with the computer. For some reason aol would not work. Code enforcement came by today and gave us another warning. It seems that we now have to store our trash cans in the back yard! What? We have stored them on the side of our house for 7 years and now you want to complain? I swear to you I am going to the next city council meeting. They are pissing me off.

THREE CHEERS for ME!!!!! I just got off the phone with a manufacture. I have been working on a secret project, and nowI have a manufacture who wants to see my demo product! I smell a patent coming on!

Laura, stop by anytime! I love having new readers.

Well I guess I better find the energy to go get something for dinner. For some reason my family likes to eat. I only wish they liked to clean up!

I in such a good mood now! I got my foot in the door! I am so glad that I live in the land of opportunity!

Monday, August 27, 2007

Yes it is monday

Well I have made it through the weekend. I just went back and read the entry I made on Friday. Man it was bad. I left out so many words. I guess that is what happens when your mind is going faster then your fingers can type. Oh well.

On Saturday I got a package from my mom. I told my friend Beth that these are my dads ashes. Beth just looked at me. I opened the box and sure enough there were necklaces for all of us with dad's ashes in these little urns. I sometimes think it is creepy that I can just things. Anyway I put my urn on. Beth thought it was creepy that I was wearing my dead dad's ashes.

We had a mild weekend. Nothing to exciting went on.

We were all sitting around the smoking room talking about sex toys. I mentioned that I still want to get a sex swing and mount it above our bed. That way if Rusty falls off he won't break a hip. One of our friends said " Well in case you did not know this your husband does not work part time at Cirque Du Soleil!" I had to laugh. I would hate to be the 911 operator when I place that call. " well my husband fell off the sex swing. Oh his leg is still stuck behind his head!

I must say that when I wrote my entry on Friday I really opened myself up. I was wondered if people would think I was a bad person for praying for my dads death. I am glad that I am not alone on that issue.

This week should be a very mild week. Then the long weekend will hit. I think the marines are going to be here for something like five days! I can't wait. We always have fun on the long weekends.

The bread smells so good! Oh I got up early and made bread. I wanted to get the bread in the oven before it got to hot.

Yesterday we got teased. We actually had storm clouds with lightening and thunder! But we got no rain. I so want some rain! POUT POUT.

The marines asked me when I was going to get some more kittens in. So I am going to call the shelter today and see if they have any more kittens. I am telling you these marines are the biggest babies I have ever seen!

Well, I need to get busy and start my normal Monday routine.



Friday, August 24, 2007

Missing my dad

The children at school. The first load of laundry is the washer. Rusty is at work. The cats have been fed, and the dogs are back barking at nothing.

I am sitting here alone. I am sitting here missing my my dad. It was one year ago today that my dad died.

Lets take a walk down memory lane.

I was 8 years old when my grand mother died. It was my dads mom. I remember the phone ringing and my mom just saying "o.k. I will get a hold of Keith". My mom kept trying to call my dads work but no one would answer the phone. My mom went out to the car and got on the cb and started calling for him.

My dad never came home from work that night. My dads youngest brother had just gotten in from Italy, and all of the children were at the hospital when my grandfather took my grand mother off life support.

At the funeral my dad just stood there with a face of steel. He talked to his sisters and brothers and some of the other family. My father helped to carry the casket to the grave.

I remember watching my father and thinking that he was strong.

Fast forward many years. Rusty was in the shower and the phone rang. On the other end was my mother in law. She called to tell me that my father in law had passed away, and that she had sent the red cross message for Rusty.

Rusty was on the airplane the very next day. I called my dad I just wanted to cry. I felt so bad for Rusty. My dad told me that there is nothing that I can do for Rusty right now. I could be there when he called, I could cry with him, but for the time being I had to get my head back in the game. I still had children to take care of and a house to run.

My dad was there to support me when Rusty went to Iraq. He offer words of wisdom such as suck it up. Life is tough so you need to be tougher. Are you done with your pity party? Good now suck it up and do whatever it is that you need to do.

Then Rusty's mom died. Great. I can't handle this right before Christmas. Once again I callled home. My dad was there to offer my advice. For the most part I took all of it.

Rusty was in a fog, so I did what I had to do. We made the arrangement. Paid to have her cremated, and cleared out her belongs. We decided not to lay her to rest until after Christmas. We did not want the children to remember Christmas as a sad time.

After Christmas was over I had to get back to reality and start planning a double funeral. We were going to lay both of his parents to rest. How in the world do you do a double military funeral?

Once again I called my dad. He told me where to start, and I took it from there.

I called my dad back a few days later and told him on what date we were going to have the funeral, and that I had gotten the flags, and the 21 gun salute was set up. The only thing I could not figure out was .... well there was going to be no one there for Rusty. No family? No friends? just me and the children? So once again my dad said then go make your husband a support system. Suck it up and do it.

I called the guys that he served in Iraq with. I called all of the marines, and I called all of our other friends. I simply said "We are going to lay Rusty's parents to rest and he will have no one there to support him other then me and the children." Everyone showed up.

It was I that carried the urns to the grave site. It was I that next to Rusty and Held his hand the guns went off. It was I that watched him get presented the flag's. It was I. I had no choice but to suck it up and be the rock that Rusty needed.

In June of 2006 my parents came out for Ambers 16 birthday. Sixteen is a magic number in our family. That is the age when you get the family maple leaf passed down to you.

I can still see my dad and I sitting in the airport. I grabbed his hand and put my head on his shoulder and started crying. I just knew that this would be the last time that our children would get to see my dad before he died.

When Rusty had his heart attack I called my parents. My mom answered the phone. I told what had just happened. My dad me on the other end of the phone and knew something was wrong.

I needed help and no one was there to help me. My dad very calmly said to me "you have a husband who is still alive and three children to take care of. Get yourself together. Put the children to bed and go back to the hospital. Figure it out and be strong for everyone." That is what I did. For the next week I juggled trying to be there for the children and trying to be there for my husband. There was no time for tears. Only enough time to be strong.

It was a typical Friday night here. Everyone was out front sitting around the fire. I had come in to grab something when my cell phone rang. I went out back to the smoking room. My mom told me that I need to come home because they did not expect my dad to make it through the weekend. My dad had battled cancer most of his life and a few years before he got a dnr and wanted to stop fighting.

I just sat there and cried. CJ walked out into the back room. he had a big plate of food. CJ just looked at me and asked me what was going on. I told him. I just put my head in CJ's lap and cried.

I then walked out front. Rusty took one look at me and he just knew. Rusty came in and booked a ticked for me. I was off to Chicago.

I was in Chicago for two weeks. My dad was not dead, but he was gone. He had no idea who I was. He was down to about 90 pounds. This was not my dad. This was a shell.

I would go to bed at night and ask God to please take my dad out of this world. I was so sick of seeing him suffer. No pain meds were helping. I so wanted to go find some weed, and roll him a joint. I just wanted my dads pain and suffering to end.

Then I would get up in the morning and I realize that my dad was still here.

I sucked it up and stayed strong for my mom. I went with my mom to go make all of the final arrangements. My dad was going to be cremated. Then I helped my mom gather the strength to fill out the death certificate. Everything was done except for the date of death.

My dad did not die before I had to come home. I arrived in San Diego to find Rusty holding my favorite starbucks, and Ryan holding some flowers. My boys were there for me.

Four days later I sat up straight in the bed. It was 3:30 in the morning. I did not go back to sleep .

My mom called to tell that my dad had passed away at 5:30 a.m. Chicago time. I told her that I knew that.

I felt part of me leave when he died.

So here I am today. I have made it through my year of first. My first Thanksgiving, my first Christmas, my first birthday...... everything without my dad.

I have sucked it up and I have dealt with it.

Part of me wants to sit down and cry. Then I hear my dad say "tonight you will have a house full of marines. You need to suck it up and do what needs to be done."

I do not want to suck it up. I want my dad. I want my rock. I want some child molester to die instead of my dad.

O.K. enough of the pity party. Life moves on, and I have a lot to do, so I better get moving.

I just realized something. My dad has taught me a lesson and that is to do whatever you have to do. Life has thrown a ton of shit my way, but I just climbed out of it and kept going.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

hey..... I need your help

There is a gal in Germany. She is away from her family and her husband is in Iraq. She is having a hard time tonight.

Will everyone please stop by and give words of encouragement.

I know in the past that many of you guys have said to me to tell my husband thank you for his service to this great country. I think this gal would like to her that as well!

virgins rocks

Our daughter Nikki is the most like me when it comes to expressing herself. We are both very loud and in your face. So someone gave Nikki a t shirt that made my jaw drop and then I started laughing and then I told her to wear it with pride.

The front of the shirt said virgins rock. The back of the shirt say " I am loving my husband and I do even know him yet".

Well, yesterday Nikki wore it to school. I thought that I would have to take a new shirt up to her, because lets face it we can't offend anyone. Not a word was said about her shirt! Go Nikki!

The IEP meeting went very well this morning. The school system will find out on Friday if they are going to have another life skills class starting at another school. If they do then Ryan will get the class that he is suppose to be in and there will only be 4 other children in his class. There will also be two aids in his class room. I am not jumping for joy yet. Lets face it we are talking about our public school system and I will not believe anything until I see it!

I have already been to walmart, so all of my running around for the day is done. I am so thankful for that.

Oh hold on I have to find another play list. I hate being with out music. O.K. I put on the beach boys.

Where was I..... oh so I have all of my running done. It has finally cooled down into the high 90's, so I think I am going to go pull all of my sunflower's and trim up the rose bushes. I have neglected everything because it has just been way to hot to be out working in the yard.

o.k. I have gotten questions in the past about how I make quilts. It is kinda hard to explain in writing but I will give it a shot.

First I watched my late mother in law make a quilt. That was when I knew that I could do it. I have had no formal training or even read a book on it. It just go for it. If it does not turn out then I just take it apart and do it again.

I use cotten 99% of the time. If I making a quilt for someone I know I try to find material that they would like. I also buy material when it is on sale and I stash it.

I use low loft batting. I do not do hand stitch any designs because I do not have the time for it. So I just tie them off.

There are a few rules in our house when it comes to quilting.

1. I should never show Rusty any of material find. He just looks at me with a blank stare.

2. I can buy all the material that I can hide.

3. I must show Rusty all of the finished quilts. Rusty just loves seeing my latest creation.

This is a picture of my first ever scrap quilt. I saved all of my scraps for about two years and I sewed this quilt. I LOVE this quilt. It is like crawling under a big memory. I can look at every scrap and remember what I made out of it.

The pet quilts that I make, are made out of any big scraps and any left over batting. waste not want not.

O.K. I need to get to the yard work, and I have finish my second play list, so I know it is time to get off.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

american house wife

I wonder if a 1950's house wife ever pulled a shot glass from the garbage disposal, and then had to go find the right tool to finish unclogging it so that it will work again.

I wonder if a 1950's house wife ever had to run children to school in nothing but a night gown. All because a daughters shoe broke on the way to school.

I wonder if a 1950's house wife ever fed her children jello for breakfast.

I wonder if a 1950's house wife ever had five cats scream at her because she went pee before feeding the cats.

How was everyone else's morning?

Yesterday I got a lot of sewing done. I really need to figure out what is wrong with my camera, and once I do that I will take some pictures for you guys.

I also got six pet quilts done, so they are on their way to the shelter.

Then on of the marines mentioned that they knew someone who just had a baby girl so I gave them a baby girl quilt that I done.

Man, yesterday was all about the sewing.

Yesterday George, Cj and I were sitting out on the back porch. George curled up with the quilt I had just made for another Marine. She looked at me and said " Mom you could make some extra money by selling you quilts."

I just looked at her and said "no".

George pressed on. I stopped her and finally said " I put a lot of thought and time into my quilts. It is the one thing that I can do for the marines that no one else does for them. I make them blankets to take off to war."

Today I have more of the same planned. I keep telling people that for the most part I lead a very dull life. For now dull is good and I am going to take it.

I know that life comes in cycles. For right now it is dull, but it will not stay like that for long.

I found this video the other day and I am going to make this my new theme song! I do hope that you guys enjoy it.



Tuesday, August 21, 2007

You broke our contract

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Yesterday I spent most of the day in a funk. I was still pissed off from the day before.

Then Ryan's teacher called me. He informs me that Ryan will not be in the living skills class this year.

I said "what? that class is in his IEP that is a legally binding contract. Are you telling me that the school is breaking his contract?"

Yep. That is what he was telling me. The district said that there were not enough children in our district to support the class.

I said " fine I want an emergency IEP meeting called. The district will find a living skills class for Ryan even if the have to bus him to another town."

The teacher then tried to convince me to let Ryan change for p.e. and be placed in a regular p.e. class. He also told me that until the IEP meeting Ryan will be going back in the general special ed program! That was when I lost it.

I took a deep breath and said "You will not place him in a regular p.e. class. As for him being in regular special ed classes, well good luck with that. Lets face it he is not 6 months behind he is 6 years behind! Have you guys lost your minds?"

Oh the joys of raising a handi cap child never seem to end. However we do have an IEP meeting on Thursday. Rusty and I are sticking to our guns and we are going to make the school system place him according to his IEP.

The really sad thing is, is that last year I fought like a dog to get Ryan sent to a different school out of our district. I lost that fight. Now the district is looking into their programs to see if they have room for Ryan. HMMMM, didn't I tell you ass holes this last year!

today is another day. I found this yesterday is Lisa's journal. This will come as a big shock to everyone! LOL

You Are a Red Crayon
Your world is colored with bright, vivid, wild colors.
You have a deep, complex personality - and you are always expressing something about yourself.
Bold and dominant, you are a natural leader. You have an energy that is intense... and sometimes overwhelming.
Your reaction to everything tends to be strong. You are the master of love-hate relationships.

Your color wheel opposite is green. Green people are way too mellow to understand what drives your energy.

Today I have to get some house work done and then my goal is to finish a quilt that has been sitting on my table for four days now.

This morning Nikki asked me if I still had my running shoes. I was thinking yes, they are the only pair of sneakers that I own. nikki asked if she could have them since she has to run the track for softball. Sure you can have the shoes off of my feet. I swear they want me to just drain all of my blood and give it to them!

Nikki needs all new softball gear...oh did I mention that she made the team. Amber needs new dance shoes. Nikki wants to try out for water polo. Amber needs gas money. Nikki needs......Amber needs..... I swear if my rich uncle does not get out of the poor house soon I am going to be a shrinked up prune because my children had just sucked me dry!

Well I am going to go make some mac and cheese. That is the breakfast of champions! LOL

Monday, August 20, 2007

not happy

All of the children are back in school! I should be so happy, but I am not.

Yesterday I told everyone to pick a room and start cleaning. Instead of everyone pitching in some people left. Rusty, Chris and CJ, sat on the computers all day and played a damn video game. I finally just yelled at them. What the hell? I am not the fucking maid!

I was running around last night trying to make sure that Ryan had everything he needed for school. I bought Ryan 5 brand new polo shirts and he can't find any of them! What the hell? I started screaming at him. Rusty came in and told me to leave.

Yelling at Ryan does no good. He has no clue as to what is going on. He also has no clue as to where his shirts are! I handed him the shirts and told him to go put these in his drawers, and they are gone!

Do I have to take his dresser out of his room and just hand his clothes out?

So instead of just hanging out today I have to go clean puke out of the trash can. Oh yes the marines were kind enough to leave that for me. I have to try to find Ryan clothes. On top of that there is a big slab of dead cow sitting on the counter. I guess I have to cook that!

I got my hair died over the weekend. I so wanted to take the time to do my hair. Not today. I will be lucky to get out my pj's!

O.K. this entry is going down hill. I am going to go start my hell day.

Friday, August 17, 2007

out of questions

I would not mind going to bed tonight and seeing this standing by my bed! O.K. I am a pig I know.

Well I am out of questions. So I guess you guys now know everything about me! LOL

Nikki is at school, finishing up her last minute stuff and then she is going to go hang out with an old friend after that.

There has been a lot of stuff going on with Nikki and her boyfriend the last few days. Actually it is the boyfriends mom. This mom thinks that Nikki did something with her son. Well, o.k. but the date you gave us does not add up. Nikki was out of the country! Then this lady told Nikki to watch her back. What? Did this bitch just threaten MY child? Oh I think not.

Amber found out yesterday that the one day she worked at juice it up was trial run. It seem that they are bringing a bunch of new people and trying them out for a day. Amber will find out next week if she get hired. What is that about? Now Amber is bummed again.

I have been posting stuff on craigslist in hopes of selling some of this stuff off so we do not have to have another yard sale anytime soon. So far no luck.

Today I am going to just do some stuff around here. I am almost done with another quilt top so I am hoping to get the whole thing done today.

I must admit that Rusty and I have a great love life. Rusty sees right past all of my imperfections and just loves my body.

Well yesterday I finally found the video for one hot momma! This is Rusty and I! LOL

Trace Adkins - Hot Mama

Add to My Profile | More Videos


Thursday, August 16, 2007

scars stretch marks and boobs that sag

Okay I'll ask it. I'm still amused about that skinny dipping entry. How does Rusty feel about you skinny dipping? Paula
#8 Comment from plieck30 - 8/13/07 8:51 AM

Paula, My husband (Rusty) loves my body, and loves to see me run around the house naked.

Rusty does not care if everyone in the world sees me naked. I however sometimes have an issue with it.

The people that we hang out with are a  younger then we are. These people do have children.

I do not mind skinny dipping because it is dark, but running around naked with everyone else brings out the worse in me.

I have had children. I a scar from my c section. I must admit that the doc that did my c section did an awesome job and you can't see the scar, but I know it is there. Then there is that fact that I have stretch marks. I have nursed three children. My boobs sag. I am thankful that I was small chested to begin with, I would hate to see how far they would have sagged if they huge.

I look at these young marines and they have perfect bodies. I am so far from that! I will just keep it covered up unless we are skinny dipping. I am so glad that we skinny dip in the middle of the night!

Today  I have to make a few phone calls and that is about all I have to do. I am looking forward to spending some time on the sofa and working on some quilts.

Rusty got offered a job out in 29 palm. They job pays a lot more, but we both had said that we would not move as long as the girls were in high school. if it was just Rusty, Ryan, and I then we would be looking for houses right now.

Nikki's boyfriend has been giving her the cold shoulder since she got back from Mexico. I have a feeling that this relationship is going south quick. I must admit that I never really liked this kid anyway. Rusty said that this boy should be eating the peanuts out her shit. I know Rusty should not hold back.

I actually talked to my mom yesterday. She is going to come out here and visit for a long weekend. Why? She did not visit us for 16 years! I think it is guilt, but then again it might be a ploy to annoy me.

One of our friends, Kevin, just sat around around last weekend watching that new Tim McGraw video. So I mentioned it to another marine. I was told Kevin is having a hard time right now because he is getting ready to get out. While he is getting ready to go home and start a new life, the rest of his friends are getting ready to go back to Iraq. I will have to talk to Kevin this weekend. I have already gone through this with Rusty.

It is a strange bond that these marines form. They always have each other backs and now he won't be there to have someone's back.

I noticed that I have some new readers. I will try to get by and visit your journals today. I could have sworn that yesterday I saw a comment from someone who had a journal called my deployment journal. If someone can send me this link, that would be cool. Heather I am going over to visit you right now, so put the kettle on.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007


Just a quick note. I do not have another journal. Everything is here in the public!


Glad Nikki is home! ~ My summer is over too. I went back to work a few weeks ago, my hubby goes back today and the kids all go back to school next Monday. I'm already ready for another summer! ~ I just did "ask me anything" at my other journal. My question to you is... Do you read my other journal? If not, why? -- just kidding, that's not really my question but stop by that journal anyway... ~ My real question is one someone just asked me. If you could have an all expenses paid trip to anywhere where would you go? Why? how long would you stay ? What would you do while you were there? Martha :-)

Well Martha I would go to Ireland. My grands parents are from there. I never really go to know them, but I would have loved to hear their stories.

I want to go back to the county of Cork and just stand there. I want to stand where my grandparent stood. I have often wondered if I still have relatives over there, but the people that would know that answer are dead. There is one other person who might know, but there is one person who might know. That would be my dad cousin Patrick.

The last time my dad knew Patrick was in Canada and he was a priest and he was even educated at Notre Dame. That is all I know about him.

Today has been a productive day. So far today I have gotten dinner cook and the house cleaned up. I MIGHT have even sold my vintage sewing machine. I do hope that this lady wants it, I could use the money for a project that I am working on.

Nikki tried out for softball yesterday and she does have another try out today. I was informed yesterday that if she makes the varsity team that they also do travel ball! I am telling you I need an atm machine with an endless supply of money. I just hope that Nikki makes a team and is happy.

Yesterday Nikki and I went over to one of Ambers teachers houses. The teacher is giving us some stuff for Ambers yard sale. This teacher is giving us some really nice stuff! I am going to list some of the stuff on craigslist and see if we can get a little bit more for it.

Amber just came in and told me that the news just said any dead beat dads that owe more then $20,000 in back child support cannot get a passport. I am not sure if that is just for California or for all of the US.

I am going to go apply at Target. I have decided that if I go back to work then I can pay for Nikki's trip to Costa Rica. After that it will help pay for Christmas.

Heather.... I have not gotten any alerts from you. What up with that?! LOL Is aol acting up again?

I do hope that everyone has a great day.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007


Hmmm.....I gotta make this a good one............if you could change anything about your life what would it be??? Are we only allowed one?

If I could change one thing I would change the amount of money we make.

I do not want to sound greedy. We have money in savings and we do o.k.

However I would love to be able to just pay for all of our children's trips. I would love to never have to worry having to tell my children "I will help you earn the money".

I do not consider this spoiling my children. I just want them to have more opportunities then I ever had.

Lets face it, this rules about money are made by the rich for the rich. So I want to be rich.

One of the coolest things happened over the weekend. One of our friends gave Amber all of the money for her trip to Costa Rica! I was so blown away. People have never just walked up to me and gave me the money to send my children on a trip.

Nikki now wants to go to Costa Rico. Sure I can just pull $2,000 out of my ass. No problem.

Nikki will be going to Costa Rico even if I have to sell my car to get her there.

Today I moved some dressers around. I finally got sick of my old dresser. The drawers would either open or close, but they never did it when they were suppose to! Amber had a cheap dresser left over from a yard sale so I am now using it.

Oh My gosh! Amber just came in and told me that she got a job! I am so happy for her. She will be working at juice it up. I love that place because they sell's fresh squeezed wheat grass!

Nikki is getting her cleats on and is getting ready to head out the door for softball try outs. I hope that she makes the team.

The rest of my day is going to be spent doing shit around here. I swear I have hit a dull spot in my life!

Oh Carrie if you would like to ask me another question please do so!

Monday, August 13, 2007


My question: cuz I'm nosey, Why does your mom favor your sister over you?  Is that one over the top?  Too nosey?  I am scared to hit send.  

O.K. trac you asked so grab a drink and let me tell you a story.

My sister had always thought that she was adopted, but she had no proof.

When I was in high school I had found a series of stuff that did not make sense to me but I just tucked everything into the back of my mind and left it there.

I took Amber back to Chicago when she was about 6 weeks old. This was the first time my family had ever seen her. So everyone was over.

Out of the blue my sister says to me I wish I knew who my father was.

I just gave her that smile. A smile that says I know something that you don't.

When we were alone my sister finally asked me what I knew. So I told her. I said " have you ever checked your bumper book? If you look at the inscription that nana Mcmahan wrote on it, it says on your first Christmas with us. Look at my birth certificate. Under mothers  name it says Hann not young. Go look in the bottom drawer of moms dresser. There is a blue clutch purse with a telegram in it and it says congratulations on your marriage....Don Hann."

I swear I could see smoke because now her wheels are turning.

Over the next year she damn near beet one of our grandmother up to find out who Don Hann was. Then she got into a fist fight with our dad over going to meet Don Hann. My sister even went to court to see if she could get the adoption records unsealed. The judge told her no.

Finally she went and met this guy. My sister said that is was very strange and that she would not see him again.

Fast forward a few years and I am going through a nasty custody divorce. I asked my mom if she had any of these issues when she divorced Don. My mom slipped up and said that Don was not my sisters father, so they did not have these issues.

I have tucked that information into the back of my mind and i will release the information when my mom dies. That way there will be no one left living that could help my sister.

My mother once told me that the only reason she gave birth to me is because my father wanted a child.

I believe that my mom treats me like shit out of guilt over my sister and the fact that she never really wanted me.

Since before I was born my mom and dad set out to keep this secret. Who is my sisters real dad?

I do not know who he is and I do not care. My father was good to her.

I do know that my mothers web of lies almost got untangled when I started talking about all I did know.

My mother has always treated my sister better and I think it was to try to make her think that everything was great.

If you were not reading my journal last year you should check out this entry. I know that are a lot of mistakes in this entry..... I was so pissed off when I wrote it! LOL

On to another subject. Nikki and Amber had to go up to the school this morning. Amber is registered for school and Nikki will register on Friday.

I now have to go find some softball cleats so that Nikki can try out for softball tomorrow.

I will get to more questions tomorrow!


Sunday, August 12, 2007

summer fun

Nikki is home! I was so thrilled to see her. We took her out to dinner and man she just talked and talked. The she looked over at Rusty and said " daddy I got to spend my summer what you spent your life doing.... I got to change the world". Yes she did.

Amber was so happy to see Nikki that the two of them walked around hugging.

This up coming week is going to busy for us. Amber and Nikki have to go register for school and then Nikki has softball try outs this week.

I guess summer is coming to an end for us.

We had a good weekend just hanging out with our friends. One of our friends came in from 29 palms, and we had not seen him in a while so it was so nice to see him.

One of our friend's, Dustin, turns 21 on Monday, so we gave him a good party. I will post some pictures of that party!

I had found a place in town that does hair braiding and I asked Rusty if I could go get my hair done. He said yes. Then when Nikki came home with the exact hair style that I wanted! Rusty told me that he would not like that on me. Well I am glad that I did not spend money on getting the braids done! LOL

I am going to give everyone a chance to ask me something. I am going to call it behind closed doors. If you could ask me one question about my life ..... well here is your opportunity.

I am going to go. I hit a great material sale so I have a lot of sewing to get done! Oh and for the record, I will be sewing more blankets for the troops.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

lead by example

Yesterday while I was taking a bath Rusty came in and sat on the toilet and said " When is Nikki coming home? I miss her"

I told Rusty that she should be rolling through the door about 1 a.m. Monday morning.

Today I was thinking about that very short conversation, and some of the conversations from the past.

Rusty has told our children that he does not want them to join the military. Rusty feels that he has defended this country many times and that he has done it enough that his children should not have to.

For a great number of years the children and I have sat here while he was in the field, or at war, or while he was out doing whatever his country has asked of him.

We all sat here missing him. We would wonder if he was o.k. or wonder when he was coming home. We have waited for phone calls, and we have prayed for him.

Rusty would say "I am fine. Remember I am a tuff guy." Or he would say something like " I am out here making a difference in the world so that it is a better place for my family."

Today I mentioned to Rusty that he has taught Nikki to go out into the world and to go make a difference.

Rusty told me to stop. I continued on I told Rusty that he does not like being the one left behind. Once again I was told to stop.

It seems that Rusty has lead by example and now he does not like it. Nikki is taking advantage of the freedoms that he has provided. Nikki is out there making a difference in the world, and that is all because Rusty gave the example.

Rusty was laying on the bed watching t.v. when I walked in and told him that I still had the directions to the church in Sand Diego. I told him that we COULD go meet the group down there and then we COULD take Nikki out to dinner afterwards. Rusty's eyes got a spark in them and he said that he would like that.

So Tomorrow it looks like we are driving to the border to get Nikki. Did I mention that Rusty is a tuff guy?



Friday, August 10, 2007

cougars and perverts

Yes everyone those are my daughters! Since I have had children there are no pictures of me in a swim suit. I do not know why, but there just aren't any.

I was watching the secret lives of women and they had a show about cougars. Cougars are women who date guys who date guys a lot younger then they are.

So last night Rusty and I were talking and I was telling him about this show. I have had guys say to me "When Rusty dies I am going to marry you". I just laugh and say " You don't want me, besides I think I am going to swing the other way". That usually catches them off guard and they do not know what to say other then to say " can I watch".

Back to the cougars, so I told Rusty that I thought it was very interesting.

So Rusty says " Let me get this straight. Women who date much young men are called cougars? Is that because these young men are their prey? i wonder what they call older men who date much younger women?"

I said " they call them perverts! That is why people look at us funny when we go out together. You look older then you are and I look younger then I am".

Rusty just gave me this look of shock, so I had to add to the shock. I said "the next time we go out for ice cream I am going to call you dad, and I am going to keep saying it until everyone in the place hears us and then I am going to start making out with you!"

Rusty said "The sad thing is I know that you would do that"

On another subject. Rusty has lost another 10 pounds and he is down to about 180. For a guy that is 6'2" that is not bad! I am so proud of him. He has needed to lose a few pounds.

For the last few days every time I have tried to at solid food, well lets say that it does not sit well. So I am going to go on a liquid diet for a while and se if I can't get this "bug" out of me.

Nikki called me. I missed her call but she left me a message saying that she was good and that she would be home around 1 am Monday morning. I am so glad that she isdoing good.

Today I am going to do some sewing and just chill out for a while. We have a friend coming in from 29 palms and the marines will be showing up here later on tonight. I hope no one is sick this weekend. I want to party and do something fun.

Check this out! One of Ambers teachers just called me and it is the one who is leading the group to Europe. Anyway, they still have some openings for the trip to Costa Rica! That trip goes between Christmas and new years and it is only $1,800! So Amber and I are going to sit down and talk about what we can fo to help her raise money to go on both trips.

Well, nothing is getting done while I am sitting here, so I better get my ass in gear.


Thursday, August 9, 2007

my crazy life

The last few days have been so busy. We have not really done anything but it is just the usual crap.

Lets see.... I went to hot topic to price their hair stuff. Nikki want's to dye her very nice blond hair hot pink! LOL I am going to let her. It is just hair.

Amber is still looking for a job. She is starting to get desperate. Amber also got a little taste of success. Amber got a $100 donation! Amber called me and was so happy. That was what she needed to pay her trip off for this month!

Rusty is going on a job interview with a company that makes amtracks. Those are some military things. We will have to really sit down and talk and about it. They are offering him a lot more money, but it is further away, and I do not see Rusty very much as it is.

One of our friends asked me just the other night where Rusty was. It was only 8 p.m. and Rusty was in bed. I told him that I swear I saw Rusty more when he was on active duty. Then my friend put me in my place and said yes but he does not deploy any more. Good point. So no more complaining.

One of Nikkis friends called the other day. I told this young man that Nikki was in Mexico. He just laughed. He said he expected nothing more then for Nikki to be gone. I ended up talking to this young man for about an hour and half. His name is Aaron and him and Nikki were in the church band together until he enlisted and now he is on his way to Iraq. I really enjoyed talking to this young man. He is going to take some leave and come home before he leaves for Iraq. He is going to come by and surprise Nikki. I think I am about to meet Nikiis future husband.

Rusty said that Nikki cannot hook up this young man. I said why is it because he is in the Army. Would you rather her hook up with a marine? Rusty said that he does not want his girls to hook up with any one in the service. I am however making this young man a quilt.

I think that is all that has been going on around here.

Today I am going to mow our little yard and try to clan up the house. I had to take our friend back to the airport last night, so my ass is dragging a lot!

Before I go here are some pictures. You can now see why my husband looks older then what he is! LOL


Tuesday, August 7, 2007

speaking english

So yesterday I had to go register Ryan for school. This should be easy, but wait this is me dealing with the school system.

So I get there and I sit down to start filling out these papers and then a gentlemen walks up to me and starts speaking Spanish to me. I give him the deer in the headlights look. Then he speaks English to me.

I go to turn in all of the papers. The first lady was cool. Then she asks me to wait to speak to the school nurse.

The nurse says to me " your child is mentally retard with autism". I was like well thanks for telling me this. Then she say's "Well what can he do as far as p.e. goes" I very calmly say, "he can do anything that he wants. He will be in a special p.e. class along with all of the other children from the living skills class" The nurse then has the nerve to say to me so he does have limitations. I finally said " Look lady, I am his mom and I know him better then you ever will. His iep is in place and I do not need nor want your concerns."

I walked over to the next station. By now my blood is boiling. the lady at the next station says "You need to fill out this form so that your child can get on the Internet." I told her that I was not going to sign the form. her response was "You must sign the form so that your son can do his reports". Now I lost it. " I understand that the Internet is a wonderful tool to use. However my son does not even know how to turn one on or use a mouse. I know that he will not be writing any papers using the Internet". Then lady, bless her soul says " well what if your son has a break through" I am going to go off on this bitch! I said "lady if my son has a break through I will come back down here and sign all of the damn forms" she finally said to me "Oh one last question what language is spoken in the home?" This chick has no clue? I smiled and said " We speak Korean in our home. Please find a translator, so that we will not have to struggle with our English!" Bitch have I not just been speaking to you in English!

Nikki's councilors were suppose to be in yesterday. So I went up to the high school and the councilors were in but they were in meetings all day. So the secretary gave me an appointment for this morning.

I show up this morning and the secretary just looks at me, and then says "oh I forgot you had an appointment this morning, I did not look at their schedules, and your daughter councilor will be out all day."

Lady you better be speaking to someone else or you better tell me that the school system did not pay the phone bill.

I have to go back tomorrow.

Later on today I have to take a copy of Ryans iep down to the district office because it seems that they are not going to bus him this year. Well I have news for them. It is in his iep and they are going to bus him.

I hate dealing with the schools. The sad thing is I still have two more children to register for school!


Sunday, August 5, 2007

gone again

Nikki arrived home from San Francisco Friday night. It was so good to see her walk in the door. I just wanted to hug her.

Nikki said that she had a blast and then we went to start packing for her trip to Mexico.

Today I took Nikki almost down to the boarder. It was so nice to just sit and talk with her.

Nikki is growing up so fast and I swear everytime she comes back, she is a little bit more grown up.

On the drive Nikki asked me how I find balance in my life. What? I am 37 years old and I do not think I have found complete balance. I did tell her what I do when I start to get stressed out. I also suggested that she talk to help leaders because they take a lot of trips and I thought they might be able to help her find some balance.

There is a saying that goes something like this.. Marines never wonder if they have made a difference in the world. That is true for Nikki as well.

I just hope that one day I will be able to change the world like the marines and Nikki do.

Amber made $120 dollars this weekend. Amber is happy that she made that money but she is also very discouraged. I know that Amber can do it. Amber just needs a taste of success.

I had a few heart to heart with some of the marines this weekend. I find my self giving advice and then I wonder where the words have come from. I know that they come from my past experiences, but man I never realized how much I have gone through and how much I have learned.

This weekend has been a blur to me. Rusty and I went in different directions this weekend. I swear the man keeps worse hours then he did when he was on active duty.

So, tonight we went out to dinner. Just the two of us. I wantedto sit down and tell him everything that went on around here. I sometimes wonder if Rusty feels like he is missing out on some stuff. I know that he missed a lot while he was on active duty, but I have never asked him how he feels now.

OH! I go three pumpkins! I picked them yesterday. I was so happy! I think I am going to plant some more and see if I can't get them to come up closer to Halloween.

That was my weekend in a nut shell. Not very exciting, but that is good.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

I want....

I so want this car. I told Rusty that I want this for my 40th birthday. Rusty said that I could have it next year.

You know what else I want? I want my damn child support.

I am so sick of my ex not paying his support. He is only ordered $94 a month two children! I think he should be put in jail. Hell if he is not working then let his ass sit in jail and rot.

You know what I hate? I hate it when we were promised a profit sharing check and then it never comes in.

You know why I hate it? Because we took a pay cut because the profit sharing checks were suppose to more then make up for it.

We had some major stuff that we wanted to do with that money. Like buy my car, pay for our children's trips, get new floors.....

I so hate it when people say one thing and they do not do it. Someone should have just said " screw you guys we are not going to pay profit sharing checks" At least that would have been honest.

For those of you who do not know Rusty sells arms ammunition, and gear to the military and police departments. HMMMM no shortage of work there.

O.K. I am off my soap box and pity party. The lesson I have learned from all of this Money talks and bullshit walks. So show me the money or shut up.

why do we have children?

So tell me why again we have children? Yesterday Manny and I went to pick Amber up from her girlfriends house. A cop pulls up right behind me. Great. He asks me to turn the car off. There is also an officer on the other side of the car. I am asked the usual questions, and then I am told that I need to put the plate on the front of the car. Great I can see another ticket coming. Amber comes walking out and walks right past the officer and throws her stuff in the car. The officer asks her who I was. Amber said " oh she is my aunt and she is kidnapping me". While the officer on my side of the car asked me who Amber was. I said that she was my daughter. The officer asked me if my licence is current and if I have any outstanding tickets. I told a white lay. o.k. it was a big fat lie, and I said no. Amber is on the other side of the car asking the officer if I am going to get another ticket! The officer finally lets me go.

So just to get Amber back, her actual licence came in the mail yesterday, but I have not told her yet. Pay back is a bitch.

Today I am going to go to the beach. The beach is free and it is better then any therapy! I so cant wait to stick my feet in the sand and to let the sun bake my body.

When I get home from the beach I will have to help Amber get ready for her yard sale. People around here start very early!

I had a request for shepherds pie. So I think I am going to make that before I head out to the beach. I still to this day have never tried my own shepherds pie, but everyone else loves it.

Rusty said that he had to go to San Diego today. That bums me out. Rusty told me to call him when I got to the beach. He said that if he was back from San Diego that we could go have lunch. I am telling you I think Rusty keeps worse hours then he did while he was on active duty.

As for yesterday's entry about how clean is your house. I just cannot believe that people let their houses get that far out of hand. I am always cleaning something. I am also a Lysol freak. I spray and wipe everything down, then I go back and do it again.

I need to get busy and get moving. My day is calling me.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

how clean is your home?

I have gotten hooked on this show called "how clean is your home" I watch it on the bbc channel. I swear to you guys even after a long weekend my house looks better then these houses!

I went up to the airport today and got Manny. It was nice to see him again.

Tomorrow i am going to pack everyone up and we are going to head to the beach. Before we get there we are going to swing by Rusty's work and make a delivery for him. I have not helped Rusty out in a while, so I hope this will help him out.

Amber is going to have another yard sale on Friday and Saturday. I do hope that she does well on the sale. Last month she came up short $20. That is o.k. because I just know that she will make it up. What Amber does not know is that we will give her whatever money she does not make, but we are not going to tell her that.

Today is a very slow and uneventful day. I am going to take advantage of it!

I am going to go finish doing nothing, and later I will make tacos everyone.