I did not get much sleep last night. The girls took the news hard and Nikki refused to even speak to my mother.
Life is unfair, but then again no one ever said it was. I am still angry at my mother and sister. I need to let this anger go. I know that if I do not it will slowly eat me away.
So I am going to try to move on today and just deal with the life that is before me.
My Irish eyes are not smiling right now. My mom called today to tell me that my dad is dyeing.
I knew when the phone rang that something was wrong. I just had that feeling. Then when I heard my mom's voice I really knew.
My dad has been sick for a long time. That much I knew. He has a bacteria that is eating his lungs and they have not been able to cure it. His cancer is also back.
My mom said that my dad told her not to tell me because I have a family and that he does not want me to worry. I am so mad and I told my mom that! That is MY father and I have a right to know. That is MY father and I want to be there for him!
My mom just kept asking me to not be mad at her. She was just doing what my dad wanted. I am still mad.
Tomorrow my dad goes in for a transfusion. There is one last drug they can try, but my father does not want try it and my mom is not sure that she wants him to either. My dad is giving up.
According to my mom the house now looks like a hospital room. I.V. poles everywhere, oxygen in use at all time and machines to help beet his chest so that his lungs work better.
My mom is not sure when hospice will be coming in. My dad is starting to loose control of his body function. My dad is dyeing.
I so want to jump on an airplane and go to him. However my mother asked me to wait until after this week. Once hospice does come in I will go home and spend some time with my dad before he dies. Then of coarse we will all go out when he dies.
When my mom called she asked me where Rusty was. I so knew that something was wrong. I called Rusty and asked him to come right away. With in a few min. Rusty was at my side.
Rusty says that I am so lucky. I am lucky that I will have the opportunity to say good bye. Rusty says that I should be grateful for that. I guess he would know.
My mom just cried. She is so worn down from watching my dad slowly die right before her eyes. I told her that I would come out and help her, but my dad does not want that.
Why does my dad not want me there? He says that I need to be with my family. This house will not crumble if I am not here. I so want to rush back to Chicago just so I can give everyone a hug. Instead I am sitting here.
Rusty took the girls out to get their pass port pictures done. Then after dinner I have to tell the girls. I so hope that Rusty's shoulders are strong. Tonight is going to be a bad night.
Everyone says that my dad has about six months left to live. I am so sad and so mad, and my Irish eyes that are usually so filled with life are now filled with storm clouds.
When I was growing up my dad use to play the song cats in the cradle. Then one day my dad called and I could not talk because one of the girls was sick. Man my life has turned out just like the song. Except this time there will be no good times when I go home.
For as long as I could remember I knew that I would leave Chicago. I never wanted to live there. I knew that I did not want raise my children there. I wanted sun and sand. That was my choice and now I feel guilty for not living closer to my family. I feel guilty for going on with my life and not calling home enough.
My dad is from a big Irish, Catholic family. In total there are eight children. My mom said that she is only contacting my dads older sister. My father does not talk to any of his other siblings.
I asked Rusty if he thought it was possible for all of the children to put aside their differences and help us lay my father to rest. He did not answer me. I guess the bigger question should be... Can I put my anger away and not be mad at mom and sister for not telling me sooner.
I am going to go put the kettle on and make myself some tea. I really want Rusty to come home so I can just cry on his shoulder.
I also know that life must go on. So.... I will try to start living again tomorrow. Until then please excuse all of my speeling errors and all the words that I am sure I left out! LOL
So this lady calls me yesterday and introduces herself. I am half listening....member of the elks and the v.f.w........ Would you be interested in helping us make some quilts for some veterans. My first answer was sure I will make a few quilts. Then she tells me that they have to be an exact size, have a specific edge and a cretin batting and that I should use clear thread. Oh by the way, you will not get credit for making the quilts, instead all of the ladies at the v.f.w. will get credit for it!
O.K. first of all, if you ask me to make a quilt that is fine, but come on! You want me to use a certain type of thread? And you want me to do all of the work and let everyone else take the credit for it? I think not!
I told Rusty that I would rather make the quilts and deliver them myself.
The girls will be back from camp at some point today. I really hope they had a good time.
There is not to much else going on today. I do have to work this afternoon, so I am going to do as little as possible before then.
I hope that everyone has a great day!
Today is nice and sunny and that kinda makes me mad since it rained yesterday! Once again I did not get to see the drill team because of rain. O.K. truth be told I did see them for about 5 min. then they called it because of rain.
Today I am going to go mail some packages and then finish cleaning up and then the rest of the day is mine!!!! My free time.
Lets see.... I am going to do some sewing, and a whole lot of nothing.
Life is good.
So Today Rusty asks Amber why she wants to marry a marine. Ambers exact words were " because you make mom so happy".
Well that got me thinking. Which at 2 a.m. is not a good thing.....anyway. So is it Rusty or the marines that make me happy? Well it sure as hell was not the marines.
Has Amber forgotten all of the tears I have cried. The tears I cried every time I saw the flight line at March. The tears I cried when I would send a package. The tears I cried when I would see a marine and want to spit on him! Just because he was here and Rusty was not. What about the tears I have shed when there was no money for Christmas or new shoes. Does Amber not remember picking me up off a gym floor when I got the news that my husband was just ordered into war.....again? What about the tears I cried when rusty had his heart attack and the find out that it the Navy's fault. The list of all the times I have cried is endless.
So then why did Amber not see these tears? Did I do a good job of hiding my tears, or does she just wish to see the good times?
Rusty is what makes me happy, not the marine corps. Now don't get me wrong I love all of my marines and I sure as hell know every word to the marines hymn, but it is Rusty who make me happy.
Maybe, as a mom, I have finally done something right. I have sheltered my children from my pain.
Anyway, My boss called an office meeting today. We are getting ready to get slammed for the next two months. He said that if we ride this out he will give all of us a $2 an hour bonus at the end of the season! Well hell, I was going to finish out the season anyway, but the extra money will be nice.]
I finally got the tire on the car fixed. We have just been putting it off since we now own three cars! Anyway it was suppose to be as simple as getting a new rim and tire put on. Oh no that would be way to easy! Some damn part was ready to break in half which would have caused me to loose my breaks! I have only been saying that the car has been driving funny for months now,...... I am going to my happy place....... I am so thankful that I blew the tire out and that the problem is now fixed. Once again karma has a grip on my life.
Well Ishould get to be since I have to be up in a few hours.
What I want to do is sit here and bitch about being stuck at home all weekend. Friday night the girls leave for winter camp, and Rusty has to host a dinner for some scholarship winners. I would like to go with Rusty, but then there will be no one here to keep Ryan. So I will be stuck at home on a Friday night.
Saturday Rusty is going to be gone all day, so once again it will be just Ryan and I.
No more bitching! I think I am going to take this opportunity to get some sewing done. I need to get Butter a neck scarf made, and then I am going to work on some baby quilts. I am determined to take this time and make it productive.
I have a care package ready to mail to Kevin. This will be the first one, so now the count down has begun. Kevin only has 11 more months to go!
Well I need to get busy and get some things done around here before I leave for work.
We had to go to base today and as we entered the gate I noticed that the drill will be performing this Friday!
I took the children to see them last year, but it rained so the drill team did not perform. I am just hoping that the storm that is suppose to hit on Friday will hold off ! I have wanted to see the drill team for so long!
I am just so cold! For some reason I am chilled right down to the bone. I so hate winter.
I think I am going to go snuggle up with a cup of tea.
