Monday, March 6, 2006

my irish eyes


My Irish eyes are not smiling right now. My mom called today to tell me that my dad is dyeing.

I knew when the phone rang that something was wrong. I just had that feeling. Then when I heard my mom's voice I really knew.

My dad has been sick for a long time. That much I knew. He has a bacteria that is eating his lungs and they have not been able to cure it. His cancer is also back.

My mom said that my dad told her not to tell me because I have a family and that he does not want me to worry. I am so mad and I told my mom that! That is MY father and I have a right to know. That is MY father and I want to be there for him!

My mom just kept asking me to not be mad at her. She was just doing what my dad wanted. I am still mad.

Tomorrow my dad goes in for a transfusion. There is one last drug they can try, but my father does not want try it and my mom is not sure that she wants him to either. My dad is giving up.

According to my mom the house now looks like a hospital room. I.V. poles everywhere, oxygen in use at all time and machines to help beet his chest so that his lungs work better.

My mom is not sure when hospice will be coming in. My dad is starting to loose control of his body function. My dad is dyeing.

I so want to jump on an airplane and go to him. However my mother asked me to wait until after this week. Once hospice does come in I will go home and spend some time with my dad before he dies. Then of coarse we will all go out when he dies.

When my mom called she asked me where Rusty was. I so knew that something was wrong. I called Rusty and asked him to come right away. With in a few min. Rusty was at my side.

Rusty says that I am so lucky. I am lucky that I will have the opportunity to say good bye. Rusty says that I should be grateful for that. I guess he would know.

My mom just cried. She is so worn down from watching my dad slowly die right before her eyes. I told her that I would come out and help her, but my dad does not want that.

Why does my dad not want me there? He says that I need to be with my family. This house will not crumble if I am not here. I so want to rush back to Chicago just so I can give everyone a hug. Instead I am sitting here.

Rusty took the girls out to get their pass port pictures done. Then after dinner I have to tell the girls. I so hope that Rusty's shoulders are strong. Tonight is going to be a bad night.

Everyone says that my dad has about six months left to live. I am so sad and so mad, and my Irish eyes that are usually so filled with life are now filled with storm clouds.

When I was growing up my dad use to play the song cats in the cradle. Then one day my dad called and I could not talk because one of the girls was sick. Man my life has turned out just like the song. Except this time there will be no good times when I go home.

For as long as I could remember I knew that I would leave Chicago. I never wanted to live there. I knew that I did not want raise my children there. I wanted sun and sand. That was my choice and now I feel guilty for not living closer to my family. I feel guilty for going on with my life and not calling home enough.

My dad is from a big Irish, Catholic family. In total there are eight children. My mom said that she is only contacting my dads older sister. My father does not talk to any of his other siblings.

I asked Rusty if he thought it was possible for all of the children to put aside their differences and help us lay my father to rest. He did not answer me. I guess the bigger question should be... Can I put my anger away and not be mad at mom and sister for not telling me sooner.

I am going to go put the kettle on and make myself some tea. I really want Rusty to come home so I can just cry on his shoulder.

I also know that life must go on. So.... I will try to start living again tomorrow. Until then please excuse all of my speeling errors and all the words that I am sure I left out! LOL


1 comment:

rtgilmore34 said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you, always.  Chicago sucks.  I don't blame you for not wanting to live there.  It's cold and depressing.  It was okay that you moved to California with your young'ns.  I remember how depressed you were when you lived in Calumet City with Dan.  I remember how depressing Indiana was and that was right next door.  I have never seen you happier than the day you set foot back in California.  No regrets, Kelli...  Go spend a few precious days with your dad.  It's not up to your mom (bless her heart) to decide when and how you share those last moments.  The relationship between you and your dad is YOURS and yours alone.  Go tonight if you want to, if you can...
All my love,