pissed off

Now I have been trying to keep my cool and I have been trying to blow people off, and I have been trying to be like Ceasers wife, but I swear I am going to blow real soon!

The other day Rusty went down to the v.f.w. because they are trying to put together a color guard. There was also a poker game going on, so Rusty sat don to talk to some of the guys.

Hazel opened her mouth and said well if they are hurting for money then why is Rusty playing poker. That bitch. I am so mad and i am ready to blow. Rusty is going down thre in the morning to talk to the bar manager about her. But that will do no good since she is his bitch. I want to go down there and lay into Hazel and see just how well her pace maker is working.

I can say that I found the lowest group of people ever. ( there may be a few who are not) There is no integrity, or respect down there. I dont see why people would want to be involved with them. They do nothing good for anyone, except at Christmas. So why bother.

I will never go there agian nor will I allow our children to be around these people. I want our children to be around people who will lift them up and give them praise, not people who are negative all the time.

I will shelter our children and myself from these people. We do not need to be around negative people. If Rusty wants to be around then that is fine with me, but I will not allow those people to drag our children and myself down.

I knew this would happen and now I am pissed off at the vet rep. People need to learn to keep their mouth shut. I guess I am no better because i am sitting here running them down, but at least I am speaking the truth. I would love nothing more then to pass out flyers with this web addy so that everyone down there would know how I feel. But I would guess that 99.9% are so old that they cant even turn on a computer.

 

 

I should have...

Here I sat last night wondering if I will ever make love to my husband. I should have put that in writing sooner! All I can say is that last night was great! It was so nice to be that close to my husband again.

Today was a lazy day. I got our bedroom cleaned and did some yard work and that was about it. I enjoyed just sitting on the sofa and doing nothing.

The girls leave for summer camp in the morning, and they are looking foward to that! I am going to try to do some special stuff with Ryan so that he does not go stir crazy.

On Wednesday he wants to go up to the church because all of the children his age are having a day "out". So I am going to let him go. Then one of our friend run this  "thing" where you can shoot weapons at a screen. ( sound like a video game to me LOL) Anyway he said that he was going to try to get Ryan in to that. I am also thinking about taking him to the ocean. Ryan really likes the ocean. Last year he actually started catching some waves on the boogie board. Then Ryan and I like to walk on the beach and look for shells.

Today I am thankful that I had the energy and the time to do some way over due yard work.

how come....

How come no one ever told me how much life was going to change after Rusty's heart attack?

How come no matter what I do my husband does not want to be close to me? I try to cuddle, but that gets me no where. At night we just go to own sides of the bed. Will we ever be intimate again?

How come I was not told that life would slow way down? Now I did expect it to , but for how long? How long will it take Rusty to bounce back or will he? I know these things take time but I wish someone would give me an idea as to how much time.

How come my spirt is now quiet? Yes I am the same. I am strong again and I can take on the world, but now I have no desire to be ....... the old me. I now speak differently, move differently, and I even think differently.

how come everytime I look at Rusty I want to hug him and hold him, and just cry. I think I want to cry because I still need to come to terms with what happened. I know that Rusty is getting sick of me kissing and hugging on him. He thinks that I am treating him like a child.

How come people are scared to come around? We use to have a house full of people all the time, but now it is like...... everyone is scared to be around us.

I told a friend tonight that someone should write a book on what the spouse should expect after a heart attack. He said that he would help me write it!

Today was actually a good day. I went to the distric meeting and got it straight from Jack as to what was said to our post. He never told anyone that we could not afford food.

Yesterday I found out that nothing will happen to hazel other hen a written warning. If this happens to someelse and they complain they she will be fired. So I spent all day yesterday wondering if this was one of those fights that I should walk away from since I know that I cant win it. Then Rusty said that at least I will be able to speak my mind. Well that will make me feel better but is that the right thing to do?

So then I talked with Elli about it. She was shocked that I was even thinking about speaking my mind and running someone down. So she said to me, " Kelli what do you tell me when I want to be mean and rip someone's head off" I said that I tell you to remember Ceasers wife". Then it hit me. Elli was throwing my advice back at me. Ceasers wife once said to be above reproach. So that is what I need to do.

Next Saturday I am going to go to the meeting and say nothing but what is in the letter that I wrote. Then I am walking out of the post until Hazel no longer works there. I told Rusty that I will not even be involved, if even only on paper, with a place that allows for its employees to speak mean to other people. I know this hurt Rusty a little, but he said he understands.

Why does doing the right thing hurt?

The girls had a blast today. We let them go to the mall and do some shopping, and then they went to see a movie. They had a good time. I was glad to see them getting back to hanging out with their friends.

We went to a friends house last night and I was looking through her cabnits looking for something dumb, when I stumbled on some super funky coffee cups! I asked her why she was not using them and she said that she did not like them. So I snaged them! I got a set of baby shit grees coffee cups,sugar bowl and a creamer! I love funky stuff.

OH! yesterday Elli had to sign a bunch of papers so that hse could close on her condo. So we went to my friend Lindas house since she is a notery. Linda and Elli got to talking and Elli mentioned that she had been to Iraq twice. Linda lost it. She did not charge Elli anything! She said that was the least she could do fo someone who has protected her freedom! So later that afternoon I went back to see Linda, and I took over my old pyrex french press. Linda has wanted it forever and I thought that the least I could do would be to give it to her. Rusty was shoched that I even parted with a piece of pyrex! Oh well. It is just a material object and I know that Linda wanted it. Actually Linda started to cry when I gave it to her.

Today I am greatful for being able to let the girls go be with their friends and that Ryan got to spend the day with his friend.

good day

Today was a better day. I did not even think about what happened yesterday.

Rusty went out on a job interview and I finished a quilt. I started sewing this cape with the really cool dragonfly material that I found. Then Rusty and I went out for a while. We are trying to gt him up and around more.

Our friend Jason is sick, but his girlfriend is a doll and has been taking care of him. I am so glad about that because I am about at my end of taking care of sick people! LOL

In the moring we have to go pick up some medical records and go to the d.a.v. in San Diego. I also found out today that sudden unexplained heart attacks are part of Gulf War syndrom, so we are going to go get Rusty on the registrey.

today was a good day and for that I am thankful. I am going to finish cleanung up the kitchen and get into a shower. We have a long day ahead of us.

damaged pride

So yesterday I talked to this vet rep and asked him what the hell we were suppose to do now. He told me to let him think on it over night. So when I saw hime today he had some shocking news for me. He told one of our friends and the past post commander about our problem! I screamed at this man and told him that I would accept nothing for the post. After all the last thing I need is to be told once again that I need to find a way to care for my children. I have always kept food on the table and clothes on my childrens back. We had lived in some rat holes but at least we had shelter, so dont come in here and tell me how to care for my children.

When we got home I went straight to our room and sobbed like a baby. I do not want thosse people looking at me and wondering if I am takining care of my children. I really dont want Hazel knowing that things are tight. As a mom my pride is hurt. I have always done what I needed to do. To take a hand out will be hard.

After I calmed down Rusty and I talked more about the subject. I guess some people have called tonight and that something is in the works for us. Rusty said that in one of my journal pages I asked when it was going to be our turn. Well now it is our turn. I guess. I just dont like taking a hand out.

Rusty went and saw his doctor today. It seems that the type of heart attack he had is common in junkies and very old men. Well Rusty is neither so what the hell? Anyway a certain hormone level was in the 6,0000 and that after two days it should have been normal. So they are rtying to figure out what is going on there. He is still on some blood thinners so we have to watch for bleeding in the urine, eyes, and gums. Rusty can have nothing else done to him and he has to be very carefull or he could start bleeding. He is going to the ear doctor to see if he will ever get hearing back. I think he will since a little bit of it is back. Other then all of that he is doing good.

Rusty is going to a job interview in the morning. Everyone has told him not to go, but he said that he has to support his family. And he calls me pig headed!

Not to much else has happened today, so I am going to take my damaged pride and go get a bath.

can we catch a break?

Well we just found out that Rusty cann ot get disability. It seems that the state thinks that he has not worked enough. Hmmmm...all of those years in the god damn corps count for nothing? Thats right. If you are in the military they you dont pay into disability. So the bottom line serve your country, but dont expect anything in return because you will get nothing. I am finding out quick that vets get shit on!

So now what? I do not have a clue. We are going to file to have his disability rating up, but that will take a while.

I am so sick of everything right now. The last three years have been very hard on us and I am ready for someone to give us a break. But I will not tell anyone our problems and I will put up a strong front, and I will smile when people ask we are doing I will say just fine. After all no one really cares anyway. The post will just shit on us. Only two of Rustys "friend" have even stopped by to see how he is doing. I guess you really do find out who your friends are when the chips are down. Around here it looks like we dont have that many.

So life goes on and I keep moving. I will just put one foot in front of the other and take it hour by hour.

Someone I never expected to hear from e mailed me yesterday. He need some help in finding some people in need at camp pendleton. So I helped him out, but I will not go back to charity work ever again. I am not that kind any more.

I think I am going to go for a walk and try to get rid of a little stress.

I do need to find something to be thankful for today, so let me think......... I am thankful that it was only 102 degrees today.

busy day

Rusty and I have been on the run all day! We had to go see the vet rep and find out what papers we need to file with the government. That is going to be fun! NOT. Then we had to go to all three hospitals and request a copy of all of the medical records. Then Rusty had an appointment at the v.a. It has just been busy today.

On a good note we took a fruit tray, a vegi tray and some cookies up to the icu nurses. My mom works icu and she said that if we wanted to do something nice for them then we should feed them. So that is what we did! The nurses were so shocked... and hungry. The nurses were also glad to see that Rusty was doing good. On our way out the door we heard the nurses say that that was very sweet of us. So now we have to do the same thing for the night crew. It is the least we can do for the nurses and doctors that helped to save Rusty's life.

I have nothing that I have to do tomorrow. So I think that I am going to do some sewing and then just chill.

Oh. Rusty was told today that he would never work again. That did come as a blow to him, but I knew that was coming. I just did not want to say something and hurt him.

Here is something to laugh at.Twice today someone asked Rusty if I was his daughter. They were not kidding! Rusty did not think this was funny, but I did! LOL

I am thankful for another good day.