Wednesday, July 30, 2008

I wonder

I just sat down to read a few journals. The second one that I read was Gerry from the daughter of the shadow man.

She really made me stop and think about my own dad.

Right now I miss him. I miss him so much. I want to pick up the phone and call him. I want to hear his strong sweet voice.

I want my rock back. After all he is the one who taught me to be tuff. I am sure that there are so many more lessons that he did not teach me.

My dad left this world without answering a lot of my questions. There are times that I want to curse him. There are times I want to give him a hug. There are times when I just want my dad.

Sometimes I wonder if I had lived closer to him if I would have had the opportunity to ask my father these questions. Then again He and my mom were the ones that drove me away.

I am still so angry at my dad. I still speak of my father as if he is still alive. I know that my dad is dead. I helped my mom fill out the death certificate. I have some of his ashes.

Why do people die before the family can ask them all of the questions? Why do good people die. Why can't the people on death row die first?

Soon it will be the second anniversary of my fathers death. When will I cry? When will I forgive him? Will I ever stop loving him? When will stop talking about my dad as if he is still alive?

Today while I was cleaning out my closet I came across some of my dads old flannel shirts. I just looked at them and hung them in the back if the closet. I can't even bring myself to wear his shirts or to even look at them.

I so wish that Rusty was here so I could talk to him. No wait. I don't want Rusty here. I feel guilty when I talk to Rusty. I will start to say something and then I think that I am being selfish because Rusty has lost both of his parents.

This is a burden that only I can carry. I can't share this load with Rusty. So I guess until I figure out how to deal with all of this I am just going to keep going.

I do know that my dad is here with me tonight. I can feel him. I have looked around the room, and I do not see him, but I can feel him.

So this song is for my dad. He use to sing it to me all the time. The sad thing is... my dad asked me to come visit him and I told him that I couldn't because Amber was sick.



lv2trnscrb said...

I can somewhat relate to this; I'm sorry you are missing your dad, Kelli; it was around this time two years ago that I started reading your journal because I remember your trip back to wherever your parents lived to see your dad before he died

when my mom died, I would be typing reports of elderly people (she was 85) who were healthy who were older than her and I would get so upset that she was dead and they were alive; I also got a lot of reports with people who had pneumonia (what she died of). I grieved alone too; I found out people really don't want to talk about the person who died (or at least that was how it was in my home); I think they feel uncomfortable about it

I cried but I cried alone

one day you will cry; and you know, it really is okay if you don't cry; I used to forget that she was dead especially if I had a dream about her


and then I carry that guilt that I didn't go to see her before she died because I was so stressed about what was going in my son's life at the time; that is a regret I will carry with me for the longest time (and to this date still brings me to tears); I wish someone would have made me go so I carry just a touch of anger about that too

darn, I'm supposed to be trying to make you feel better.....................


you can talk to me; I'll understand


momiscool2 said...

I feel that way about my mom.
and its been 10 years since she passed away.

lots of of hugs!!!!


glensfork4 said...


Love the song, always speaks volumes.


gehi6 said...

My son Raymond loves this song and this artist.  I think that anything so complex as a spirit cannot just die even though we can all see the body deteriorating and know it will not last forever. But I think since time immemorial spirits have been stepping out of bodies and existing naturally in another form, so if you feel your dad around you I believe that he is, and probably often visits you to keep track of the family and help you with your problems.  I felt my dad here while filming this series was going on and I felt that Doc with his more normal upbringing was helping him by acting out a better way to talk, with humor and more gentleness.  My dad was indeed too violent. I was getting healing by acting out with Doc some of my conflicts with him.  I felt myself being released by the limitations of our relationship in life, because I feel he is getting released, too, by talking and meeting with spirits there.  He was mental when he died.  My grandmother and his mother came in a dream and said she had to have help in kind of a mental hospital after she died.  I am sure she did.  I am sure she got a lot of help in trying to understand why her sons were so troubled.  I am sure your dad is getting help with his relationship with you.  Gerry

nelishianatl said...

I so understand completely.  Ever since I visited my Dad's grave I feel him near me, in my thoughts more and I miss him terribly.  I hear a song and want to call him.  He's been gone 20 years.  I miss the sound of his voice.  I do understand but I wish my understanding could bring you some comfort. Rusty has his own pain, but yours is very valid and very sharp and real.  It does not demean it. It's just as real.  



lurkynat said...

dear Kelli,
I'm so sorry that you are missing your father Kelli..:(
You can always tell Rusty about how you feel..:( it is a huge loss and you should not feel that you have to bear it alone! Talk to him..if Rusty lost both parents he really can understand your grief.You know Kelli the more you get it out the better it is for you and the family. I am thinking of you my friend.
p.s. yes I knwo it is annoying when there is a lack of closure and you might have to develop a way for letting go that includes writing your dad ina journal all fo the things you wish you knew and the fact that you are sad that he went away so quick.
Some people journal their way through it some people talk through it.

mamaof4qts said...

Hello Found you J from Sharon (I'm a survivor).  I'm understanding how your feeling I lost my dad too soon with many unanswered questions.  Having somebody to talk to is always best but I know how you feel.  You have a good J.  Hope you feeling better soon

springangel235 said...

Gerry is wonderful...a great writer in her own right.   I am sorry you miss your I too miss mine daily...not a day goes by that I don't think of him..
Hope you and Rusty can sit and talk about it all..hope he can help...hugs and much love,

hugsdoodlewacky said...

(((((((((((((((((HUGSTOYOU))))))))))))))))))I wish I can give you a real hug.I know its got to be hard ou missing Him.You will never stop loving Him.I am sure my Dad miss both of His parents,but He doesnt talk about it.Maybe you can make a quilt about your Dad,maybe a stupid idea.My Bofriend,lost both of His parents to cancer.Hold onto the good memories.

helmswondermom said...

I'm so sorry you were missing your dad a lot on this day -- I'm sure you miss him every day.  It's hard to deal with regrets regarding someone we've lost.