I just sat down to read a few journals. The second one that I read was Gerry from the daughter of the shadow man.
She really made me stop and think about my own dad.
Right now I miss him. I miss him so much. I want to pick up the phone and call him. I want to hear his strong sweet voice.
I want my rock back. After all he is the one who taught me to be tuff. I am sure that there are so many more lessons that he did not teach me.
My dad left this world without answering a lot of my questions. There are times that I want to curse him. There are times I want to give him a hug. There are times when I just want my dad.
Sometimes I wonder if I had lived closer to him if I would have had the opportunity to ask my father these questions. Then again He and my mom were the ones that drove me away.
I am still so angry at my dad. I still speak of my father as if he is still alive. I know that my dad is dead. I helped my mom fill out the death certificate. I have some of his ashes.
Why do people die before the family can ask them all of the questions? Why do good people die. Why can't the people on death row die first?
Soon it will be the second anniversary of my fathers death. When will I cry? When will I forgive him? Will I ever stop loving him? When will stop talking about my dad as if he is still alive?
Today while I was cleaning out my closet I came across some of my dads old flannel shirts. I just looked at them and hung them in the back if the closet. I can't even bring myself to wear his shirts or to even look at them.
I so wish that Rusty was here so I could talk to him. No wait. I don't want Rusty here. I feel guilty when I talk to Rusty. I will start to say something and then I think that I am being selfish because Rusty has lost both of his parents.
This is a burden that only I can carry. I can't share this load with Rusty. So I guess until I figure out how to deal with all of this I am just going to keep going.
I do know that my dad is here with me tonight. I can feel him. I have looked around the room, and I do not see him, but I can feel him.
So this song is for my dad. He use to sing it to me all the time. The sad thing is... my dad asked me to come visit him and I told him that I couldn't because Amber was sick.