Monday, October 1, 2007

hurt and broken

My ex husband did some really bad shit to the girls and I. We were beaten, left homeless, and hungry. My ex took my spirit and trampled all over it.

Years ago Rusty told me that he would take care of me. Rusty told my dad that he would never hurt me.

Earlier this summer we saw Big and Rich in concert. When they sang the song holy water I just cried and held my hands in the air. I have been in that ladies shoes before. Rusty came and put his arms around me and told me that he had me and that he would be my holy water.

Today my world has come crashing down around me. I am not ready to fully talk about it.

I have tried to move on today and do all the things that need to be done. I have been doing laundry, pulled something out for dinner, went to wal mart, and even got Nikki's quilt cut out. I even hit my knee's and cried out to God.

All I want to do is cry. What I should be doing is kicking myself. I let my guard down and I got hurt. I let someone else make the decisions and I trusted them. I never checked or made the decisions myself. I totally blame myself.

How could I have been so stupid as to let this happen to me. I was and still am an idiot. I TAKE FULL BLAME for my world being shattered today.

I still have several hours before I can go to bed. I have to paste on a smile, and continue with my day. Tonight I am going to take a sleeping pill and maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Trust me when I say tomorrow can be worse, but I am going to hope for the energy to get through the next few days.

 

17 comments:

nay0114 said...

(((Kelli))) I'm so sorry you're hurt. Hugs going out to you. I'm not sure what's happening, but you have many who support you in Jland. I don't share convos, if you wanna email just send it.
Hugs, Chrissie

hugsdoodlewacky said...

((((((((((((((((HUGSTOYOU))))))))))))))))))))))I am so sorry your hurting right now.I wish I had the right words to say to you.But,just know,you have many friends who love and care for you.

beckerb6 said...

hugs to you.
Barbara

nelishianatl said...

I've had my chldren kidnapped and abused by their father.  You can self blame but they need you to be strong and it's ok to hurt sometimes too.  I believe you were totally manipulated to see as little as you did.  Abusers are masters at it.  This is something premeditated by him.  Rage at the abuser, not at yourself.  Listen to them and find some support very soon.  And I will pray, pray, pray for you some strength.  If you would like to write to me, my email address is nelishianatl@aim.com
I care,
Nelishia
http://journals.aol.com/nelishianatl/PrayingandBelieving/

helmswondermom said...

I'm so sorry that you are having to go through something that is making you feel like that.  You've obviously been blindsighted, and I hope that you can find the strength needed to deal with it.  Take care, and I am thinking of you!
Lori

deshelestraci said...

Oh Kellie.  I'm here and I'm praying.  
Traci

plieck30 said...

So sorry to read  that you are hurting so much. You know you're friends here are for you always. Take care of you, Paula

gehi6 said...

I am some worried about you  I am just going to wait and be thinking about you.  Gerry

lisa41076 said...

Awwwwwwwww Kelli I am so sorry you are hurting hon, email me anytime if you need to talk, Lisa41076@aol.com, Hugs Lisa

louiseb411 said...

Kelli.. Please email or I can phone you if you would rather when ever you are ready or want a chat. thinking of you  Louise xx

ukgal36 said...

You're scaring me..what happened...i will pray for you dearheart....
Lyn

glensfork4 said...

You have me worried..I hope you are ok, bless her heart God...give her what she is needing and take away her pain.

Michele

lanurseprn said...

I'm catching up here. I hope you are ok. Please take care of yourself.
Pam

rdautumnsage said...

((Hugs)) I've been told by quite a few people I'm an intelligent woman.....Yet I lived that cycle over and over never knowing a man could truly love you without first showing you a fist. There is something inside of us that breaks down when this happens, makes us unable to change the scenery, move on......we take it. Each woman has her own reasons or insanity for allowing it to happen. For me it was needing to always have someone in my life I had to fight. It was me fighting my stepfather for his abuse as a child and not being able to defend myself. So I fought and allowed all the men in my life to abuse me.....I didn't know a different way of life. I have my days of feeling as you do now, angry, spiteful, embarrassed. (I'll even go one further, I didn't walk away before he beat me enough to steal the last of my hearing). Can't think of something more stupid than that, allowing someone to damage me to the point of no return. Your not the abuser, your not the one who responded with anger and a fist. You where a victim that survived. Surviving is only one key to the equation, finding our spirits our self worth is another. Your in my thoughts and heart hon! I'm an email away if you want to talk outside the journals. I know this world well....I've only been out of it myself for the past 4 years. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers on the smoke! (Hugs) Indigo

seraphoflove9001 said...

{{{Kelli}}} I'm worried about you! I really hope things will get sorted out for you. Hugs to you my friend.
Lisa

sunnyside46 said...

Ihope everything is okay. You are a fine, kind-fearted woamn and you desrve love and tenderness.
I am on the other side of the screen if you need a friend.
Marti

lurkynat said...

dear Kelli,
jees
I am so sorry
if there is something I can do tell me.
we love you much
nat