Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Why do I not get to chase my dreams.

I got up this morning and did some of the typical mom stuff. Man it is so time consuming to clean three bathrooms!

I know I should make the children clean their own bathroom, but my ocd got the best of me and I had to do it to make sure that it was done right.

The last few days the girls have been talking about going to Egypt between Christmas and New Years this year.

O.K. let me have a pity party for myself here.

The girls want to go to Egypt. The country that I have wanted to see since I was a child. They are going to get to take a boat down the Nile. I have wanted to do that.

No. I am so sick of letting my children chase their dreams while mine are put on a shelf.

Hell even Rusty has been to Egypt! I so do not want to hear about his trip to Egypt either.

If one more person say's to me " well then why don't you go with them?" Let me tell you why. I can't chase my dreams because their is no one here to do my job. Rusty only gets two weeks off a year. Someone has to be here with Ryan 24/7.

People just don't get it. My life is not that simple. I wish I could just say screw it and leave, but I can't. This is one of the times when I hate being the mom of a handicap child.

I hate the fact that we have had a 2 year old for 10 years now.

So many times I have wanted to walk away and say screw it all. I am so sick of sitting on the sidelines of life.

With all of that said. The girls can go to Egypt if they want to. I will help them raise the money for the trips. I will continue to be their biggest cheerleader. I will continue to allow our children to chase their dreams, I will continue to encourage them to get out there and see the world.

After all isn't that what a good mom does?

I will never share with the girls the fact that I hate not being able to go with them. I will never tell them how much my heart breaks when the leave. My heart does not break because they are leaving it breaks because I am not going with them.

This is a pain that I will keep to myself.

Now it is time for me to get back to the reality that is called my life. There are still dishes to do and animals to be cleaned up after and life goes on.



deshelestraci said...

Over here wishing there was a way for you to go.  Truly not fair.

nay0114 said...

I'm so sorry you're down and disappointed. I can't say I understand because I never had to care for a child that needed 24/7 care, but I can imagine the strain on you mentally and physically. Wanting to just drop it all and leave is on any mother's mind at one time or another, but you haven't acted on it.  I'm glad that you help your daughter go to all these places and do things you never did a true mom always placing your children first. I'm not quite sure they understand what all you do for them youth has a way of doing that. I hope you have a great day and keep your chin up. You're a great person and awesome mother.
Take Care and Big Hugs, Chrissie

lanurseprn said...

You are a strong woman. I cannot even imagine caring for a handicapped child. I don't think I could have done it and kept my sanity.
I'm sorry you are so sad. Sending you a big hug.

hugsdoodlewacky said...

(((((((((((((HUGSTOYOU))))))))))ou deserve some kind of Moms award for all you go through.I hope that one day you will see your dream.Have a nice day..

julydarby said...

I wish for you all you have ever dreamed... I don't know how profound Ryan's problems are but is there a way you can take him to the fabulous places you've dreamed of going? Does he have the capacity to travel? If not... how about respite care? I want you to hold on to your dreams - even if it takes a little more to make them come true. I believe that Ryan is a special gift and God would not have given you this gift in exchange for your dreams... I believe God gave you this gift in addition to your dreams. Can he handle having a sitter?
Praying for answers for you... we need our dreams, Kelly!

lisa41076 said...

Awwwwww Kelli I am sad for you that you ca'nt go to Egypt, I wish you could, you are a great person and an awesome mom too, Hugs Lisa

helmswondermom said...

We so often have to leave dreams behind for the sake of our children, but I know that having a special-needs child must make it so much more frustrating.  You do great, though, with finding fun and laughter in your life as you can find it, and by supporting your girls and the opportunities they have.   But I hope that someday you get to go to Egypt.

nelishianatl said...

What hurts the most is nobody notices that they can go because you do what you do.  I'm sorry, my friend. May you one day have a Nanny that can go with you.  You should get to go on a boat down the Nile.  Shoot, I'd like to go with you too!  


glensfork4 said...

I wish you could travel and do what your heart dreams about, but it is so good that you let/help your daughters do what you dream to do.....

I know about dreams.....mine are on hold also.....maybe one of these days...


rdautumnsage said...

((Hugs)) Sometimes words of comfort are just that words....they can't change the reality of what life has given you, I would in a moment if I could. Yet despite dreams being put on hold, you encourage your daughters to dream big and live them. Yes, YOU are a great mom. I can't even begin to understand what you deal with on a day to day basis with your son. Times like these I'm glad you do open up and confide to us within the pages of your journal. I am here dear friend, small comfort in place of Egypt, but this I can give you. (Hugs) Indigo

gehi6 said...

I am glad things took another turn, because you really need to take a break, if possible.  My mother's best friend stayed home for years with her son who had Downs syndrome.  But finally the kids decided she was getting too old an in too bad of health to take care of him at home anymore, so they insisted he go to assisted living, and guess what he learned a lot and he still came home for visits.  I think he eventually became happier there.  But he could not go to school because he was too handicapped.  So the experts were able to teach him things she could not.  Her husband more or less abandoned him and her and took to stepping out on her.   But he died of a heart attack, probably from stress and guilt and she is still alive past 90!  Gerry