thinking

So, over the past few days the girls and I have been talking. They asked me if I asked me if I had talked to my mom about the "kaily" issue. I told them yes and I told them what was said.

Then when I got to the part about being a good mom and I told them that I was not a good mom since I allowed a man to beat them and I use to steal food just to feed them. Both of the girls said nothing.

Today I asked Rusty if he thought that the girls think I am a bad mom. Rusty just said that he does not think that the girls think that. He said that the girls probably did not even know that I would steal food just to food them.

Weather I was a good mom or not really does matter much. I did and still doing the best that I can.

Amber got her first job today! She is working at this little mom and pop pizza place. I am so proud of her!

Now that Amber has a job, Rusty is going to sign her up driving classes!

I would like say a big thanks to everyone who has left me some really nice post.

Yes I am a very cheap person! I DO want something for nothing! LOL I knew if I asked around long enough that I would find someone would let me have some paving stones. I just cannot stand to go spend on stuff that other people are throwing away, So that is why I look real hard for free stuff.

Anyway, the cleaning is calling my name!

slow day

He can come and check out my carpet anytime!

Today has been a really slow day. I have just done some stuff around here.

I did talk to one of my girlfriends and the doctor is going to induce her on Thursday! I am so happy for them! They have been trying to have a baby for ten years and now they are finally going to have one!

I tried to call my mom today, but I got her machine. To my great surprise it was my dads voice on the machine. The last time I called my mom it was my moms voice on the machine.

I am trying to find some place that will dye the girls hair...... for less then an arm and a leg! Every place we have gone wants around $80! I think that is crazy.

Yes I am a cheap person. I know this. I just hate the thought of spending a lot of money.

OH! I have been looking for some free stone, so that I can do my back yard. I found a guy that has 1,000 of those octagon pavers. He told me that if I want them all I have to do is come and get them. Three cheers for the cheap person!

I hope everyone remembers that it is hump day!

still standing

   Well the girls did not take the news of their grandfathers passing very well. Both of the girls had a cry and I think that more tears are on the way. I know that only time will heal their heart. I also know in time that they WILL be able to look back and laugh about the fun times that they did have with their grandfather.

I on the other hand have not cried yet. I have been strong for the children, but I know that when I least expect it, it will hit me. I am just glad that I have Rusty to lean on.

Last night the girls picked out their Halloween costumes and they are going as wonder women and bat women. So I will be sending Ryan as super man. I think they will look so good.

I would like to thank everyone who left me a comment and a prayer! It was so nice to read all of the comments.

I went and looked for tile today. I know what I want to do in the bathroom, but as of yet I have not found the tile that I want.

So some of you may remember that I was recycling glass and then putting the money towards the girls trip---next year--. Anyway, a bar contacted me and asked me to come by and pick up their bottles every Monday. I was so happy! That will really help raise the money that they need.

I am going to go bum a smoke off one of my friends.

death

The angle of death took my father at 4:45 a.m. Chicago time.

not much happening

I have been so lazy today! I have done nothing today. I did however give my children stuff today! LOL

I did talk to my mom today and my dad has slipped into a coma. I asked my mom how she is doing, and she just started crying. I wish she would let hospice come in and help her out. They said that they could send an aid in 3 times a week, but my mom will have none of it. She keep saying that she has cared for him for 40 years and she will continue to care for him.

Tomorrow we have to go to San Diego and then swing by our friend place to get some fire wood. So there is nothing real exciting going on tomorrow.

I hope everyone had a great day.

casual sex and cleaning

So last night I told my husband that it was casual sex Friday. then I asked him if he would like to have some meaningless sex. he did, so we did.

I got up this morning and got busy cleaning. I was just so sick of this house. I am not talking about normal cleaning, I am talking about heavy duty cleaning.

I went to lowes and bought some industrial bathroom cleaner and cabinet cleaner. I swear our cabinet were so dirty! Now they look nice and pretty.

The children's bathroom was getting on my last nerve. I so want to do a total gut, but the money is just not there. So I scrubbed the tub and the surround. It looks brand new! Then I scrapped up all the flooring. Now the floor looks like crap but it is ready for the new tile!

Next weekend we are going to pull the sink and the cabinet and the toilet. We will need to prime and paint and put up new base boards. Then the neighbor boy will lay the tile for us. I am so excited!

I have given up the dream of installing the bear claw tub. However that is o.k. I am thinking about selling the tub. I know I can get some money out of it. I thought about putting the feet on the tub and then having a piece of glass cut for it and turning it into a table. I am not sure what I am going to do with it, but I do not want to get of my bear claw tub.

So does anyone out there watch the show the secret lives of women? It is so good! Last night the show was on the secret sex fetishes! http://www.we.tv/uploads/SecretLives/episode_fetishes.html So here is the link! LOL

My mind must be in the gutter tonight. I need to go take a shower and get ready for bed. I do stink!

 

 

yes, it is friday

Yes today is Friday. I was hoping to have a good day. I got up this morning, made some tea, got dressed and I was ready to start my day.

First stop was the hippy store ( all natural store) then it was down to base to get some fire wood and to have lunch with a friend. I had it all planned out!

We got to the hippy store and I got what I needed and we headed out to the truck only to find that it would not start. So I called a friend to come get us. Rusty grabbed his tools and we headed back to get the truck.

Rusty took the starter off the truck and we had it tested. The test said that the starter was fine. So Rusty put it back on. Still nothing. So Rusty went and bought a new starter and put it on. Still nothing! Finally Rusty said " lets start at step one" he checked the connections and it turned out that the connections to the battery were not good! All of that work in the hot sun for a 20 second fix?!

Keep in mind that we just had to replace the head gaskets, all the plugs and wires. We had the whole system flushed and had to have new tires put on the truck. Today we got a new starter. I am telling you the truck is like new now!

Elle called me yesterday to let me know that she has a free ticket if I want to come see her. I just don't think my family is ready for me to leave. I would however like to see Alaska. I think what we are going to send the girls to Alaska for a week. Maybe while they are on Christmas break. I think they would like that.

The house is going to be empty this weekend so I think it is time for me to get some serious cleaning done. I need really work on the garage.

I have not called home since I left, but I think I will call this weekend. I do still love my parents, I just cannot stand to be around my mom.

well that is about as exciting as my life has been today!

I am home

I am so happy that I am home! I got home yesterday and it was so nice to see everyone.

Today I am just going to do some cleaning, and hanging out. I just want top spend sometime with my family.

My mom dropped me off at the airport and she actually cried. I just walked away. I have no idea why she was crying, but I know that I was happy to be coming back to the family that loves me.

I hope everyone has a great day!

 

very proud

I must say that I am very proud of our oldest daughter, Amber. Today she and I had a long about her dance class. Now her dad and I have not been happy that she has been taking this dance class, but we figured that it was not worth the argument.

Today when I asked Amber how her first day of school went. she said that dance was just awfull, and that she has to do this and she has to do that... So anyway I asked her if this class was woth it to her and she said no. So Amber is going to drop dance and try to get in photogrphy or a cooking class.

We were hoping that Amber would realize that this dance class was not worth it! I guess by usw keeping our moths shut she learned a lesson the hard way and with out us nagging at her.

Nikki had a good first day of school. From what Nikki said the school was not ready to be opened. The school district was suppose to have this school ready by now, but today there were no tables to eat at, no trash cans, and no place to have gym class. I guess the school district did not think to far a head since there is nothing but mud for the children to play in.

As for my dad. He is now on very high doses of pain medicine, so he has slept most of the day. His breathing is really slowing down, and...........

I went with my mom today to make all the arrangements. So now everything is done. We even filled out the death certificate. Which by the way my mom and I were both kinda laughing about. The lady asked us what my fathers, fathers name was. Well we did not know! The man that he called dad and that I called grandpa was not his "real" father. So we ended up putting not available!

One of my moms very good friend is spending the night. I think my mom really enjoyed being able to talk to her.

I have been trying to talk my mom into letting a hospice volunteer and a nurses aid come in. My mom will have none of that. She said she does not some stranger taking care of my father. She is so scared that someone will be mean to him, so she is going to do this all by herself.

My sister and her hell child came over today. After they left I had a very long talk with my mother. I told her that I sick of my sister trying to give me a guilt trip about not being here. I am sick of her asking me if I am going to go to Mexico, to help "scatter some of the ashes".

The answer is no. I am not going to go Mexico. I know that all that will bring to me is more anger toward my family.

I also asked her how come when my children come to visit they always have to up with hell child? She said well hell child wants to see them. So i asked her if it ever crossed her mind that MAYBE the other grandchildren do not want to spend time with the hell child, That maybe they you all to themselves? Is that to much to ask. Well my mom said that it was not to much to ask, but still no real answers.

I so cannot wait to get back to California. I so want to get back to living my life.

a long weekend

 

I am so ready to go home. I feel like I missing everything. I am going to miss the children's first day of school. I missed taking the girls shopping for school clothes. I wanted to take them to get their hair cut. I miss sleeping in the bed with Rusty and all of the animals that we own. I miss everything.

This was one long weekend. No matter how much pain medicine we give my dad he is still in a lot of pain. He can no longer sit up with out passing out.

Why are people allowed to live like this? If I got caught keeping an animal alive....who was suffering as much as my dad, I would be called mean. Yet if someone takes my dad's "life" then they call it murder.

Today I tried to give my dad a bath. I thought that maybe if we got some of his dead skin off he might feel better. Then i rubbed him down with cocoa butter and he said that it felt good. I do see how it could feel good. I was rubbing his skin against his bones. I had to wash my hands for ever just to get all of the coca butter and all of my dads dead skin off of my hands.

Today, dad was so not there. I could look into his eyes and know that he did not know who I was. I hate that look. My dad also smells. My mom says that it is the smell of death. I hope I never smell that again.

Hell child came over. I just avoided her and tried really hard to ignore her. my girlfriend said that i do not hate her, I hate what she represents. I know that is right. Every time I look at her I see the chosen grandchild.

Amber called me today. She was crying and asking me to come home. My mom walked in the room and heard me say, "don't cry, I will be home Wednesday". My mom asked to talk to Amber. I think my mom finally got it. My children are suffering too.

My mother and I have not spoken again on the subject of her choosing my sister over me. I know that right now she has more important things on her mind. I was just hoping for something. I do not feel any better now that everything is out in the open.

I know that I will feel better when I get home and I get to see my family. The best revenge you can have on someone is to move on with life.

I keep praying that the angle of death will visit us, however I don't think God has heard my prayers.

cookies and cheeseburgers

Today was very interesting day. My dad was awake most of the day and he was nice to me!

so dad and I are sitting around and I asked him if he wanted something to eat. I must have listed of a million things to eat before I asked him if he wanted another chocolate chip cookie. Dad wanted another cookie. So we sat in his bed and ate cookies. Then my mom came home and I said " oh no we are going to be in trouble for eating cookies in the bed!"

My mom walks in the room and she is just smiling from ear to ear and asks what we are doing! Then my dad tries to hide his cookie in his shirt pocket! We were so busted.

About nine p.m. my dad said that he wanted a cheese burger and a strawberry milk shake, so I went and got it for him.

It was nice to finally have some "good times" with my dad.

My dad was in a lot of pain today, so once my mom got him settled in for the night we went out back and we were talking. At first it was just about my dad, then the conversation to turned to hell child. Here is how that went.

me: The other night when I lost it.... I was not upset by the way dads look. I was upset because my name is Kelli not Kailey. I am a person. I was upset because dad kept asking for Kailey, but no one in this house asked me how the girls and Ryan were taking the news. Did anyone ever stop to think what they might be going through?

my mom: Your father asks for Kailey because she has lived here for 10 years. We can't just throw her a side.

me: Why is that mom? Why are you raising Kailey?

my mom: because "d" ( my sister) is a single mom and she needed our help.

me: I was a single mom with two children and you kicked me out. I lived in a roach infested apartment, while collecting welfare. I was in the middle of a divorce and you kicked me out.

my mom: your dad regrets talking you out of the divorce. We really did not want you to leave we just wanted you to help us out more.

me: I was working, getting no child support and doing the best I could, and you still kicked me out. However that is o.k. because through it all I am still standing despite everyone's best efforts to knock me down.

my mom: says nothing, she just put her head down

me: I don't know how I did not fuck the girls up, but somehow they turned out great.

my mom: that's because you are a good mom

me: I am not a good mom, I stayed with a man who use to beat the shit of them. I use to steal food just to feed my children! That is in the past. I no longer have that ass hole in my life and I no longer have to steal food. I am still here, even if no one wants me to be.

my mom: has nothing to say.

me: why don't you go get some sleep. You did not get a nap today.

 

I must say that I was scared to confront my mother about choosing one child over the other. Now I am not sure how I feel. I am glad that it is out in the open, but I really do not feel any better.

good day?

Today was not to bad of a day.

My dads nurse came today. She did not tell us anything that we did not know. The skin is breaking down, he is taking fewer breaths, and for us to try to keep him comfortable.

The nurse did ask me if my mom is ready to have an aid come in a few times a week. I think that she should take the help. So I am going to talk to my mom about it this weekend and then the nurse is going to mention it on Monday.

We were suppose to get some rain this afternoon so I went for a walk earlier then I normally do. Anyway, I saw a man training a horse so I stopped to watch him. Then the man rode the horse over and I asked him what the horses name was. He told me that the horse was named macho and that he is being trained for a rodeo. The macho was tapped on the neck on he took a bow! The man said that he had to bow when he was introduced to a pretty lady. LOL I just laughed. I was very impressed with how well the horse was trained.

Today my mom and I did not do to much. No friend or family stopped by so that was nice.

Tonight I was helping my mom get my dad ready for bed. We had to scoot him up and then try to get him on his side. My mom told my dad to roll over towards me. Then my dad looked at me and looked back at my mom and said " If I roll towards Kelli I am going to hit her". Then he made a fist and took a swing at me.

I did however for a brief moment make my dad happy. I brought him a chocolate chip cookie, and he smiled.

Oh, my body must be under more stress then I know. I have started my third period this month! I better not get another period for a few more months!

 

still here

So I got done cleaning out the van, and one of our neighbors came over to check on dad. Pat is just a sweet old lady! Anyway Pat had mentioned to me that she had to choose between buying a new mattress or going to see her grandchildren.

I thought that if I did something nice for someone else I might feel better. So I went out to look for a mattress. Well I went to this one store and I told the sales lady what size of mattress I was looking for and that I wanted to keep it under $150. Well she went and started checking, so I was walking around looking at some other stuff. I saw this lamp that Ryan would love! So The sales lady finds me and tells me that she did not have any mattresses for under $250. So I asked her how much the lamp was. She said "Well it is more then you would like to pay for it. That lamp is $80!"

O.K. now the bitch has crossed a line. I may look a little rough on the edges because I just got done scrubbing the van, but listen here, my money spends the same as anyone else's money. I just left the store. That lady was so rude!

Then the child from hell showed up. I tried to keep it together, but I could not. I went outside to grab my shoes and my mom was like " what is wrong"? I just told her that now was not the time nor the place.

I put on my running shoes and started running. I was running and crying so much that I could not breath. I slowed down and ended up walking.

I got a lot of thinking done while I was on the walk. First of all I never want to see corn grow again. Second of all, I never want to come back Chicago again. Third of all, I never want to see my sister or hell child again.

I guess I should tell everyone what set me off this time. A side from my dad yelling at me, all he asked for was hell child. Then my mom and sister kept calling me by her name!

Now I guess I need to explain why that up set me. First of all there are more grandchildren then hell child, Not once has anyone asked how MY children are doing.

I would love to be called by my name. All day long my mother and father called me hell child's name. Then my sister started doing it. That was when I lost it.

I am a person with a name and with feelings. Rusty said that I should tell my mother how I am feeling. But I figure what is the point. All it will do is piss them off, and nothing will change. I thought I tell my mom (after my sister left) how I felt but......well all she said to me was " dinner is done, come eat".

I so want to go home, but instead I am going to try to get some sleep.

I would like to say thank you to everyone who has left so many nice comments. Maybe I am not alone anymore.

 

 

I want to go home

I no longer want to be here. I want to go home to California. What was I thinking by coming here?

Today my dad has done nothing but yell at me! Go away, you don't know anything, stop trying to help me, these are just a few comments from my father. To top it all off all he is worried about is when Kailey will here. ( my sisters child)

What the fuck? Even on his death bed I am not good enough for him. Why am I fighting for him? Why am I crying for him? Why am I even here?

All I know for sure is that Kailey will be here at some point today. I will try not to kill her. Yesterday when she was here I just avoided her and when she came to give me a hug good bye I just patted her on the head.

Today I hope that my eyes shoot arrows into her soul and that she know that I despise her.

I know that is mean, but that is how I feel. Anyway, enough of the pity party. I am going to go clean the van for my mom.

my sister is stupid!

  So, my sister comes over today and mentions that her cat had kittens last night. The first thing that went through my mind was " why isn't your cat fixed?" I hate it when people do not fix their pets. lets face it their are pets in the shelters that would love a good home.

Anyway Let me get off my soap box and back to the story. Then about an hour after she leaves she calls to tell us that all of the kittens are dead! She said " I don't know what happened. They all have bite marks in them! No, I did not put the dogs away. I left the mom and her kitten in the box in the living room. Our dogs would never harm them". my sister win the award for being stupid!

Today I decided that I needed to do something nice for someone else. I bought five marines lunch today. They were so shocked! I said " what? hasn't anyone done anything nice for you guys before?" I just love surprising people.

My dad is still hanging in there. Today was not a good day. His right lung is almost all gone.

I must say that I was very good today and I did not strangle my sister or her child today. I did however get to know her boyfriend and I do actually like him.

I am going to go fold my laundry, and then take a bath. I hope everyone had a good day!

 

good bye to the marines

Some of our friends left this morning for a tour in Iraq. They will be home in March, so I WILL be there to welcome them back home.

Rusty said that these big bad marines looked so cute carrying all of their gear and a blanket! Who says that marines are the tuff guys?

Yesterday my mom and I got the roof put on the sun room and I got her deck scrubbed down. Yesterday was a long day! LOL

The hospice nurse came in today and she said that my dads lungs are diminished and his heart rate is starting to slow down. I don't think it will be long now.

I am holding up really good. I am staying strong for my mom and dad.

I posted some pictures of my dad from when he was younger. Everyone says I look like him! LOL

I hope everyone has a great day!

I WANT TO STRANGLE SOMEONE!

So my mom and I have been going through all of these old pictures. So I scanned them in and sent them to Rusty.

Rusty calls me and says "what did your dad do in the Army?"

I said " he was a truck driver"

Rusty: " what did he drive?"

Me: " hell if I know why?"

Rusty: " you know those pictures you sent me of all the missiles?"

Me: " yes"

Rusty: " those are nuclear war heads!"

Me: "well......"

So now my mom and I are trying to figure out what he did in the Army. My dads mind is so far gone that he would not be able to tell us.

So now we have to write to the department of defense and try to get his service records! That just sounds like so much fun! NOT!!!!!

I hear my dad up so I need to go check on him. I know my mom is with him, but he has not eaten or drank anything in two days!

I took the night shift

First I must say that I am going nuts with no animals!

Last night I slept in the same room as my dad. I told my mom to go get some sleep, so I took the night shift.

My dad was so funny last night. I woke up several times to check on him and every time he had his hand stretched out and was holding on to my blanket! he was watching me sleep! If I left his room he would ask me if I was going to leave him.

Today he did not know who I was most of the day.

My mom found some old pictures of my dad from when he was a child. So we are working on scanning all of them into the computer. My mom says I look just like my father, but I do not see it.

I started working another quilt today. I hope this one turns out really cute! The will be the first one I have ever done where all of the pieces are diamonds.

As for my journal buddies in the u.k. I am so happy that Scotland yard caught those people. I only wish that we could all get along and stop killing people! Anyway my hat is off to Scotland yard.

I must say that I happy I did my flying yesterday!

Why is it that the police in the u.k. are from Scotland yard? I guess I am wondering why they are not from the u.k. yard?

I asked my mom if dad has tried smoking some weed to help with his pain. In the early day's he did, but not in the past few years. Then they gave him some medicine that was weed based but he did not do good on it.

So I mentioned to my mom that we could bake the weed into some brownies! If my mom asks me to go buy some weed I am going to laugh!

Just remember "Good women rarely make history!"

made it

Well I made it here. It has been a long day!

I got to spend some time with my dad before he went to bed. I don't think he knew who I was most of the time. However I did play a song for him that was something special between us. For a moment I knew he knew I was here.

I have some awesome girlfriends! One of my girlfriends is going to come over and take the girls out to get their hair cut and then dye their hair for them. Another girlfriend is going to come over and take them school shopping! My girlfriends have really stepped up to help me out.

I was feeling a little bad about not being able to do these thing with the girls. I know how much they wanted this stuff done before school started. I am just glad that I have awesome friends!

I would also like to say thanks to all of you who have left comments. I really needed to hear some words of encouragement!

When I was talking to my mom today she mentioned that she has not even told my dads older sister that my dad is going quick! This is the only sibling that he was close to! I know that they will be one state over this weekend, but who knows if they are going to stop by.  Anyway, I am staying out of it. If my mom chooses not to say anything then that is her business.

I am going to soak in a hot tub and try to wash away some of the aches that my body has!

 

I got the call

So my mom called last night and asked me to come home. I leave Wednesday morning and I will be gone for 2 weeks.

I am not sure what to expect. I told my mom in no uncertain terms that I am there to spend some time with her and my dad. I am not there to baby sit  Kaily.

The hospital bed should be arriving today, and hospice brought some liquid pain medicine for my dad.

I feel like the long lost daughter who is returning just in time to watch her father die. I guess that is actually right.

My family does not understand why I like living in California, nor do they understand that I have made a good life for myself.

I think I have everything packed and ready to go. I  am sure I will forget something!

Gosh guy's I just feel so numb right now.

Today Rusty and I went down to base and we took our friends out to lunch. I so wanted to be there when they left of Iraq, but I can't. So I figured lunch would have to do.

Skeet. Shooting skeet is where you take a shot gun and shoot clay plate that are flung into the air! I know that is over kill. Lets face it..... you are using a shot gun to shoot a piece of china?! LOL

The smell in the fridge is gone. However I cannot tell you where the smell came from! Now that we have thrown everything out and washed everything down...well the fridge looks empty!

I really need to go get some cleaning done.

busy day

I had to take Nikki down and get her registered for school! That was such a joke. First they could not find her on their forms, and then they wanted to give forms in Spanish! If I am speaking to you in English do you think I want Spanish forms?

Nikki is off to summer camp for a week. I am telling you guys the girls have been gone all summer long. I am just so glad that they had a great summer.

As for my quilt. I use a machine. I am hoping that one day I will get a quilting machine, but until then I am still happy.

Yes Zoe, I am very honest. I don't know why I am so honest, but I am. Being honest has gotten me into some trouble, so over the years I have learned that just because I am thinking it does not give me the right to say it.

Our friends were talking about skeet shooting. I want to go do that! O.K. I want to try that! I am not sure if I could hit a moving target, but I will try! LOL So I told Rusty once the children go back to school we will have to go down to base, so I can learn this "sport".

There is something in my fridge that just smells. I so cannot find it. I guess I am going to have to take everything out and scrub it down real good.

Well I have to go drop Nikki off for summer camp.

picture of quilt

Well as you can see, this is my scrap quilt! Tonight I will get to snuggle under it for the first time. Can you believe that I have never made myself a quilt? This is actually the first quilt that I have made for Rusty and I to share!

just chillin

 

My goal for today is to get the back of a quilt put together. A few years ago I started taking all of my scraps and sewing them together. Well now the scraps have been sewn into a quilt for mine and Rusty's bed. I can't wait to sleep under it!

Yesterday our friend Tony rented a jet ski, so we were at the lake for most of the day. It was so nice to get away.... and to cool off!

I have not heard anything from my mom. I am fine with that. I do still need to cool down a little bit more before I talk with her again.

I wanted to take the children down to base one day next week, but I just looked at the calendar and someone has something going on everyday next week! I really wanted to go to the archery place and learn how to shoot a bow and arrow, and then I thought we would go the beach after that. I guess we will have to put that off for another week.

Well I hope everyone has a great day!

time to think

Last night I so wanted a girlfriend to come over and buy me some starbucks! Instead I drove around for a while and came up with some answers.

For whatever reason no one wants me to go home so I can see my dad or help my mom out.  Fine. That is their choice.

My mom chose my niece over the rest of her grandchildren. Fine. That was her choice.

Well I have made a few choices myself.

1. I am going to cry my eyes out here. I want it all out of my system before I go back to Chicago.

2. I am not going to make a big deal about my niece. I am just going to move right past her like she was never born.

3. By going to Chicago for a few weeks I will be putting my life on hold. However once I get back to California, I am going to start living again..... without my mother, sister and niece.

4. I am going to let my mother have what she wants, my sister and niece. There will be no more phone calls to say "hi". I am done trying to please someone who does not even want me.

5. I hope that my niece enjoys watching my father die. I hope that my dad comes back and haunts her. I hope that every time she closes her eyes she will see him. That is my curse for her.

Last night all of my friend just gave me a hug. Tony said that he had no idea what to say so he just gave me a hug. CJ and Jake did the same thing.

The life I have made for myself is good and this is where I want to be. I want to be my husband, my children and my friends. We have good friends and good food so what more could I ask for?

                 

Hey everyone check out what Zoe wrote about me! I never knew I was a radical! LOL I like being called that! LOL

Quickie update

Just a quick update huns,the tag I got of the hunky man came from Kelli shes also on my sidebar,shes a radical but full of heart and isnt frightened to tell it as it is,if you get time pop over to see her,her father hasnt got long to live and she is a very angry young woman,I feel she needs support and she enjoys a laugh with people too,shes a great favourite of mine and she always pops over to me to comment,Ill post an entry later as my AOL is playing up again grr lol mwahhss xxxxxx 

Thanks Zoe! Hugs from across the ocean

pissed off!

I talked to my mom a few minutes ago and now I am so fucking pissed off that I want to go shooting. The only problem is there is not a range close to the house.

So my mom tells me that she finally got my dad into the tub today. He had been in the same clothes for four days! I know my mom is doing the best that she can. I know that she has to work and take care of my dad. Please keep in mind my dad not soil himself he is just stubborn. Anyway, my question is: What in the hell is my sister doing?

That is our father. I am sorry but at some point I would think that she would step up and help. Let's see she only lives 20 minutes away and she can drop her child off for my mom to watch, but she cannot give our father a bath?

Then I asked my mom if she was ready for me to come home. She said no because my father does not want people to see him die.

That was when I lost it. I said "then why is it that Kaily ( my niece) is allowed to watch him die? Why is it mom?" All my mom could say is that "Well she has been here from the beginning"

Then I bit my lip. You know I still not understand why my own mom kicked me out when I needed her. Why was I allowed to go homeless with the girls? Why is it that Kaily gets the privilege of having grandparent as a babysitter? How can they choose one grandchild over another?

I am so pissed of right now.

Anyway, I told my mom that I can be on the next flight out. I told her that I had planned on being there for two weeks.

After I vented on Rusty, which really did not make me feel any better, I realized something. When I do go home I will no one to lean on. I will have to hold my anger in and I will have to try really hard not to kill Kaily.

I will be facing the unknown on my own. I will have no shoulders to lean on. I guess this is going to be a true test of my strength.

The more I thought about it, I will not even have a friend to call on. The town I grew up in is filled with people I know. However I am not the same person I was when I was 18, and I know I don't want to be around any of them anyway.

So this trip is either going to make me stronger or it is going to make me need bail money.

Enough. I now have to put on a happy face. The children are home and more people are their way up.

it is friday

Well it is Friday and I do actually have some stuff to do today. But for now I am going to write and drink some chi tea.

Tonight all of our single marines will be coming up. I am sure going to miss them when they leave. They are suse to be on half day's since they will be leaving soon, but their commands have been making them work long hours. So I thought I would make them a good dinner filled with comfort food.

The other day Nikki and were bored so we started pricing air fare. Did you know that we can fly from California to Hawaii for only $250 round trip? We started calling of our girls friend and asking them if they wanted to go! LOL Now if only we could actually get everyone together and go.

Amber is home and she said that she was starting to get home sick. That funny, because she is now out at a friend house!

Next week I have to take the girls to register for school. I am not sure if I am looking forward to that or not. I know I am looking forward to the first day of school. I think to celebrate the first day of school I am going to walk around totally naked and do nothing!

Yesterday I went to the store and bought some stuff for me to take back to my parents house. Nikki asked me why I was buying some of the stuff, and when I told her, she said "pop won't die, he said that we are going out there next summer". I know that it is going to be hard on the children when my dad dies. I guess grandparents are not allowed to pass away.

Anyway, I need to get busy and get moving. I hope everyone has a good Friday!

 

should I do something?

I so do not feel like doing anything today. I wonder if anyone will notice if I sit my ass on the sofa all day?

I spent most of yesterday cleaning and working in the yard, so I do not have to do that today. I even did all of the laundry! LOL

Amber comes home tonight and I can't wait to see her. Amber told me that she hates portland because it is cold there. I guess when you are use to living in hell anything is cold.

I am thinking about ordering a pizza with ham and pineapple, and maybe some bread sticks. YUM!!! Now I am hungry.

I have not talked to my mom in a few day's, so I am not sure how my dad is doing. I just hope that my dad is not suffering. I know his mind and body are going, but I just hope and pray that he is not in any pain.

Well I hope everyone has a great hump day!