Wednesday, August 16, 2006

I want to go home

I no longer want to be here. I want to go home to California. What was I thinking by coming here?

Today my dad has done nothing but yell at me! Go away, you don't know anything, stop trying to help me, these are just a few comments from my father. To top it all off all he is worried about is when Kailey will here. ( my sisters child)

What the fuck? Even on his death bed I am not good enough for him. Why am I fighting for him? Why am I crying for him? Why am I even here?

All I know for sure is that Kailey will be here at some point today. I will try not to kill her. Yesterday when she was here I just avoided her and when she came to give me a hug good bye I just patted her on the head.

Today I hope that my eyes shoot arrows into her soul and that she know that I despise her.

I know that is mean, but that is how I feel. Anyway, enough of the pity party. I am going to go clean the van for my mom.


jeadie05 said...

I do feel for you dear ,you are doing the most difficult job there is ,caring for a dying parent ,when its all over you will know you did the right thing ,if its only supporting your Mum at this time .....Jan xx

seraphoflove9001 said...

You are doing a great job. I know it is very hard on you. For all that you have done already is welcomed by your mom. :o)

cgtperkins said...

Try and understand that your dad is dying...............that has to be very difficult to know you are about to die and just lie there waiting on death to come. I know it isn't easy for you either but at least you aren't waiting to die.  What I just said is easier said than done...........I know!!! Maybe you need to get out for a while and get out of the house and take a break because you do have to try to take care of yourself to. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this and I wish I could wiggle my nose and make it better. I deal with this everyday and it never gets easier.  

rtgilmore34 said...

I am so sorry.  It seems that no one there understands that this is also YOUR loss.  The man that is dying is your father too.  WTF???  I can't say I understand how you feel, because I have not lost a parent.  I will pray for you.  You would have had much regret later had you not spent a few moments with your father during his dying days.
All my love,