I am so ready to go home. I feel like I missing everything. I am going to miss the children's first day of school. I missed taking the girls shopping for school clothes. I wanted to take them to get their hair cut. I miss sleeping in the bed with Rusty and all of the animals that we own. I miss everything.
This was one long weekend. No matter how much pain medicine we give my dad he is still in a lot of pain. He can no longer sit up with out passing out.
Why are people allowed to live like this? If I got caught keeping an animal alive....who was suffering as much as my dad, I would be called mean. Yet if someone takes my dad's "life" then they call it murder.
Today I tried to give my dad a bath. I thought that maybe if we got some of his dead skin off he might feel better. Then i rubbed him down with cocoa butter and he said that it felt good. I do see how it could feel good. I was rubbing his skin against his bones. I had to wash my hands for ever just to get all of the coca butter and all of my dads dead skin off of my hands.
Today, dad was so not there. I could look into his eyes and know that he did not know who I was. I hate that look. My dad also smells. My mom says that it is the smell of death. I hope I never smell that again.
Hell child came over. I just avoided her and tried really hard to ignore her. my girlfriend said that i do not hate her, I hate what she represents. I know that is right. Every time I look at her I see the chosen grandchild.
Amber called me today. She was crying and asking me to come home. My mom walked in the room and heard me say, "don't cry, I will be home Wednesday". My mom asked to talk to Amber. I think my mom finally got it. My children are suffering too.
My mother and I have not spoken again on the subject of her choosing my sister over me. I know that right now she has more important things on her mind. I was just hoping for something. I do not feel any better now that everything is out in the open.
I know that I will feel better when I get home and I get to see my family. The best revenge you can have on someone is to move on with life.
I keep praying that the angle of death will visit us, however I don't think God has heard my prayers.