Sunday, August 20, 2006

a long weekend


I am so ready to go home. I feel like I missing everything. I am going to miss the children's first day of school. I missed taking the girls shopping for school clothes. I wanted to take them to get their hair cut. I miss sleeping in the bed with Rusty and all of the animals that we own. I miss everything.

This was one long weekend. No matter how much pain medicine we give my dad he is still in a lot of pain. He can no longer sit up with out passing out.

Why are people allowed to live like this? If I got caught keeping an animal alive....who was suffering as much as my dad, I would be called mean. Yet if someone takes my dad's "life" then they call it murder.

Today I tried to give my dad a bath. I thought that maybe if we got some of his dead skin off he might feel better. Then i rubbed him down with cocoa butter and he said that it felt good. I do see how it could feel good. I was rubbing his skin against his bones. I had to wash my hands for ever just to get all of the coca butter and all of my dads dead skin off of my hands.

Today, dad was so not there. I could look into his eyes and know that he did not know who I was. I hate that look. My dad also smells. My mom says that it is the smell of death. I hope I never smell that again.

Hell child came over. I just avoided her and tried really hard to ignore her. my girlfriend said that i do not hate her, I hate what she represents. I know that is right. Every time I look at her I see the chosen grandchild.

Amber called me today. She was crying and asking me to come home. My mom walked in the room and heard me say, "don't cry, I will be home Wednesday". My mom asked to talk to Amber. I think my mom finally got it. My children are suffering too.

My mother and I have not spoken again on the subject of her choosing my sister over me. I know that right now she has more important things on her mind. I was just hoping for something. I do not feel any better now that everything is out in the open.

I know that I will feel better when I get home and I get to see my family. The best revenge you can have on someone is to move on with life.

I keep praying that the angle of death will visit us, however I don't think God has heard my prayers.


jeadie05 said...

Bless you and give you the strengh ,the angel will come when the time is right ....Jan xx

cgtperkins said...

Oh Kelli I hurt so bad for you. I know how I feel when one of my patients is going through this and I can only imagine what you feel. If your dad is in so much pain maybe you should talk to the hospice nurse about a morphine pump. He will probably sleep all the time with it, but at least then you know he isnt hurting. What is your dads diagnisis if I may ask? Maybe I can tell you something that can help him.

helmswondermom said...

So sorry you've had such a rough time.  I hope the end is peaceful for your father and for you, and that it won't be too much longer.

seraphoflove9001 said...

I so agree about keeping animals alive, and then people having to live this way is cruel and yet there is nothing we can do. I'm so sorry.

goodwilltramp said...

Now that's the Kelli I know... optimism runs in your blood.   Things will get better sweetie.  I really do like that comment you made..The best revenge you can have on someone is to move on with life.   that is my new life motto.    More power to all the pretty Mommies out there

rtgilmore34 said...

Holy Shit Kelli!!  How hard it must be for you to bathe and care for this man who was such an overwhelming presence during your entire life.  I don't mean that it is disgusting or anything...   What I do mean is that all of our lives we look up to our fathers as such strong, authoritative men who take care of all the bad things and chase away the boogeymen, and earn the money, and are the chiefs of the house, and the BOSS.  It must be crushing you inside to see what was once the epitome of strength reduced to a helpless bag of bones.  My heart weeps for you to be going through this.  I can't help cry right now picturing what you're going through.  I can't even fill your shoes on this one.  It would kill me to smell death on my father, who I adore so much.  I'm here if you need me.
Love, Renee