Thursday, July 5, 2007

can I hate July 4th?

Yesterday was not a good day. We went to launch our friends boat and the battery was dead, no big deal. We all just hung out at the lake and floated around.

We all decided to go down to the vfw because they were serving burgers and dogs. Then when I told Rusty that I was ready to leave he just gave me a look that let me knew that he was not. I had to much shit to do and I could not be waiting on him, so I just took Jake's truck and came home.

Rusty shows up right before we were ready to leave for fireworks. He had way to much to drink.

So, Ryan, Rusty, Jake and I went to watch fire works. That is when Jake and Rusty started jumping and twitching. It was just so much fun to watch these guys cover their heads and shake. We will not be watching fire works next year. PTSD sucks.

When Rusty had his heart attack they told me everything that I would need to do to take care of him. They never told me how to care for myself. What I mean by that is they never told me how to handle his depression and other things like that.

Now I am looking PTSD in the face and once again I am looking the unknown in the face. How am I suppose to handle this? Once again I feel like I am on my own.

I often wonder if people look at Rusty and can see his demons. Or can you only see them when you are close to him.

I guess this is what you get for serving your country?

So I will just keep doing what I am doing and hope that it is enough. I guess that is all I can do.

Today my goal is to clean something in this house. I am about to scream because this house is trashed. Oh wait it is o.k. if my house is trashed. These are the good old days. One day when my children are grown and out of the house I might find the time to care. Until then I am going to just go on and enjoy my life.




lisa41076 said...

Awwwww Kelli, sorry you did'nt have a good day yesterday, Hugs to you Lisa

louiseb411 said...

Sorry you had a not so good day, I meant to email you a Happy 4TH of July! I am of the believe there is more to life than cleaning! Although just sometimes you just have to shovel away a bit of the mess! Love Louise x

seraphoflove9001 said...

It is hard to understand how to cope with pstd. A lot of men come back with it. Its sad. It's another one of those "invisable" things that you can't see unless something triggers it. You're right...someone should have told you how to treat and take care of you too. I hope that you have a better day today Kelli.

ukgal36 said...

I am sorry are right PTSD sucks because it is so unpredictable.. i am here if you ever want to vent..

cgtperkins said...

That must be really hard to deal with. It has to suck! You know we are here for you, wish I could do more. Just take on my philosophy and let the house work wait, the laundry can wait for a while, but eventually you will have to wash if you want clean clothes......I know that all too well.

deshelestraci said...

Wishing I could help.  Too far away to do anything more than sympathize and pray.  Sorry that fireworks bring back such memories.  He wouldn't have like my neighborhood last night.  Sounded like we were under attack.  For real.

hugsdoodlewacky said...

((((((((((((((((((HUGSTOYOU)))))))))))))))))))))))))You go through so much and you know you have all of us here at J-land who care.My Mom had a stroke and when She was in the hosiptal,they said She had sevral mini ones also.I am so afarid for Her all the time,even thoe I didnt go to the hosiptal,I felt bad I didnt go,but,I just dont do hosiptals.I worry about my Mom all the time.You are in my thoughts and prayers.But I am a little confused,I dont know what,P.T.S.D. is.Have a good night.I wish we lived closer,I would come and help you clean house.

beckerb6 said...

I wish there was something I could do or say to help I cannot. I am sorry you feel alone. Sending hugs to you.

plieck30 said...

I think you do as well as you know how and thats a good job. I hadn't thought of how the fireworks could affect someone like your Rusty. I'm so sorry. Paula

helmswondermom said...

I'm so sorry it wasn't a good day for you!  I hope you kicked back yesterday with something cold and just let the house go!  As for those unseen demons; I know my brother who served in Nam came home with some.  He never wanted to talk about it much, but we could see what effects his service had on him.  P.T.S.D. is a condition that doesn't just affect the serviceman -- it affects the family members, too.  Take care!

nay0114 said...

LOL I love your little tag about the house cleaning. Sorry you're having to deal with all that stuff on your husband.
Take care, Chrissie

gehi6 said...

Now you have got the right idea. I think it is more important to have the company than fret over the house.  That is what I learned to do, too.  Especially when I was partially disabled and did not have enough stamina to perform at top housekeeping levels, write, and do all the other things I wanted to do  
 My god, fireworks are not tolerable to those with PTSD??  That is something.  I was not aware that it could be triggered off by something like fireworks, but Linda's and my dogs got shot at in a neighbor's sheep field, mne hit in the legs 3 different places, and everytime after that they heard loud noises, thunder or something, her dog would run under the table and cower.  I believe they had been traumatized for life  Fireworks would probably have given them both heart attacks.  But war is so ugly, especially the one in Iraq where they never know wo the enemy is, it must be very stressful  People just don't think about all the ways the stress can affect soldiers after they come home    Too bad   Gerry