Thursday, May 8, 2008

pass the cheese

Main Entry: de·test Pronunciation: \di-'test, dē-\ Function: transitive verb Etymology: Middle French detester or Latin detestari; Middle French detester, from Latin detestari, literally, to curse while calling a deity to witness, from de- + testari to call to witness — more at testament Date: circa 1535

1: to feel intense and often violent antipathy toward : loathe2obsolete : curse, denounce

synonyms see hate

de·test·er noun

Well go ahead and pass the cheese because I have enough whine for everyone.

See the definition of detest? That is how I feel right now. I totally detest everyone and everything in my life.

Rusty called me today and asked me if I would like to work in his warehouse. Hell yes I would. I can run a warehouse like no one’s business. Then it hit me I better really think about this before I say yes. So I told Rusty that we would talk about it.

I made a list of questions and when Rusty got home we talked about three out of the five questions. Of the three questions I asked the answer was no or I am not sure.

I guess there goes the idea of me working.

I would have to work around Ambers schedule. If Amber is working then I can’t work because no one will be here with Ryan. Can I take weeks at a time off while the girls are gone on their trips? Can I leave work at any time when the children are sick?

I detest Amber for moving on with her life and leaving me in her dust.

I detest Nikki for chasing all of her dreams and changing the world because I am stuck here.

I detest Ryan for making me stuck here.

I detest Rusty because while he is at work he gets to talk to other adults.

I detest George because all she does is call me with her problems and bitches.

I detest my sewing machine that has not been used in way over a month. I once loved to sew and now I do not even want to hear the hum of it.

I detest the 20 pounds I put on this year because I am now seeking comfort in food instead of exercise.

I detest my animals because they have no cares in the world and I have way to many cares.

I detest all of the other mom’s of the children going on the mission trip. Why is it that I can show up at every yard sale and run my ass off and then there are other mom’s do nothing.

I detest the fact I am sitting here in a house full of people and no one knows how I feel.

Well all of that was written last night. I struggled with weather or not to post it. However I decided to post it for two reason.

1. this is life.

2. maybe another mom is going through what I am going through and she won't feel so alone.

I can't spend any more energy on this negative stuff. This is the hand that was dealt to me.

I called regional center yesterday to see if they would help with child care cost, but they don't do that. Today I am going to call down to social services and see if they have any programs that would help for special day care for Ryan. I am going to keep looking until I have looked everywhere.

I need to call the distric nurse. The school has a program where they help children get glasses, so I am going to try to get Ryan on that program.

I have a quilt cut out and I actually got one lined done. Then I realized that it will not be enough to make a big quilt for a marine. I guess that is perfect since Nikki's best friend asked me when I was going to make her a quilt. She wants a little quilt, so I will use all the strips for that quilt.

I actually bought a book earlier this week that is really good. It is called the driven child, understanding the over achiever. I thought this might help me to understand Nikki. So far the book is very good.

I have a lot to get done today and I should get moving.


lsfp1960 said...

No, you were right to get it all out. I've discovered in my 66 years that sometimes life isn't fair and that usually happens to mom's.  But let me tell you from experience~it will all work out and you too, will survive. Remember too, that "passing" the cheese is better than "cutting" the cheese. Keep on keeping on~Linda in Washington state  

lv2trnscrb said...

hey sweetie; I didn't have time to read this all since I DETEST moving of which I'm doing today/tomorrow; I need your help I sent you an email but sending you a comment to; let me know if the last check I sent to the most worthy of causes in your household if you got it or not; thank you!!


rdautumnsage said...

((Hugs)) Hey you...Hang in there. Some days are filled with bitter remorse, I'm almost betting there are far more that are not. My favorite saying is "Life is almost always unfair"..we do what we can to even up the odds with love. I know some days that's easier said than done. Just know your not alone and you have a few people out here who can relate and DO cherish you and your friendship.

In all honesty I felt the same way you do about Amber with my own daughter Skye. I was angry at her for having all the choices and chances in life I never had and NOT appreciating them or doing anything with what she was given. I've since come to the conclusion I gave her that life I didn't have. In the end it was a beautiful gift, instead of something to be hurt by.(Hugs) Indigo

hugsdoodlewacky said...

(((((((((((((((((((((HUGSTOYOU)))))))))))))))))))))I am sorry you are feeling detested,I hope you feel better soon.I dont understand what your going through,but,just know I care.

springangel235 said...

I liked your idea of asking the questions to Rusty...and I think there are many women out there that feel the way you do...and do not speak of it.  I am wishing you a good Thursday...with a lot of good to come your way...many hugs and love,

glensfork4 said...

You are not alone....that I can promise you!!!! I totally understand your frustration and have some of it myself....I wish I would post it......


lisa41076 said...

Awwwwww Kelli, huge hugs to you (((((((((((((( Kelli )))))))))))))))))) Hugs Lisa

plieck30 said...

Awww Kelli so sorry you are feeling so down today but you will pick your self up by the boot straps and go on 'cause I know you. Feel better girl. Paula

deshelestraci said...

It is good to get it out!  I thought of you this morning as a radio announcer was saying that married people with kids ages 13-18 are the least happy of all married people.  But people with children who have left the nest are the happiest!!

lanurseprn said...

I hope you feel better now that you have posted it.

lurkynat said...

Dearest Kelli,
Yeah that's mom stuff... sure I can relate!
We have to hang in together adn try to cope!
Happy Mother Day!
Are the kids coming over?

julydarby said...

Look up "respite care" - there should be something around to help with Ryan. Even in California.
You are entitled to a copy of your parental rights at every IEP meeting. Read them. That will help you sort out a lot of stuff where Ryan is concerned. There are parental advocates - for free - in every city. Find them. Use them. Let them help you. There are plenty of programs to help you and Rusty with Ryan. Don't do this alone.
Yes, Amber is going on with her life. I resent the hell out of my boys for doing that too. I'm glad you used that word because I was looking for a word for it.
Yes, you were right to post this even though it seems harsh. You needed to say these things.
You are not alone. This is not just your burden. God will send a "sojourner" to help you.
I wish I could be there. We would be an unstoppable team.
*love and hugs*

momiscool2 said...

Hey there friend!

You wrote from the heart - It's because you are HUMAN!!

I have felt that way so many times I've lost count!

hugs and love,


gehi6 said...

Hi, well, I like getting a run down of your life which I always know is going to be an honest one even if accompanied by a little cussing and well who wouldn't if they had a move in head of them besides on going problems with a handicapped child.  I do think that you are also very honest about the problems with Ryan and I like to hear about them because that is a reality that I don't think a lot of people really understand.  But I also know that you will not hesitate to try different things for him, getting different services, which I think a parent must need to do in order to keep from feeling totally discouraged!  I think you could write a wonderful book about Ryan, so I hope you wilil continue to read more books and get some ideas.  You have the sense of humor and honesty that would appeal to a lot more people than me.   Gerry

helmswondermom said...

I'm glad you could vent here.  If we're all honest with ourselves, I believe we all detest everyone in our lives now and then.  I hope that you can find some help with watching Ryan because you really do need to get out and associate with other adults more.  (I do too!)  

nelishianatl said...

You are allowed to be mad and resent this and detest things.  It's ok to vent.  You have a lot on your plate.  I truly hope you latch onto the right resources to lift some of your heavy burden.  This is alot to carry around.  You have so many friends here for you, of which I am one.  I care.