Saturday, June 25, 2005

broken dreams

My husband walked in a few min. ago and asked me what was wrong. I just let him have it. I am sick of running the childrn everywhere. I sick of entertaining the children. I am sick of cooking and cleaning. Most of all I am sick of dreaming of a different way of life. I guess my dad was right. He said once you have children your life is no longer your own. Well my children have my life and I want it back.

I want to one day travel to Ireland and see the place that my grandmother left. I was to go to Ellis Island and look in on America and wonder what it must have been like to travel so far and not be allowed to enter this country. I want to spend the holiday's in the middle east. I want to see where Jesus was born. I want to lay on the bst beaches around the world. I guess what I want does matter and I know that I should top dreaming of better life and be happy with the one that I have.

I hate it when people call me a bitch. I am not a bitch; I just have a masters degree from the school of hard knocks. I have lost the ability to feel sorry or to have pitty on people. I hate it when people complain about not having a sitter. My parents told me to go live on public aid because they were not going to raise grand babies. So I did. I lived in a little roach and rat infested apartment. I got a whole $740 a month.

I have no  pitty for people when the complain about the car that they drive. I have never in my life owned a new car. The only cars I have ever had were used or given to me.

I have never in my life had a wedding. I do not know what it is like to have a wedding dress or to have my dad give me away. I have always had to settle for jeans. I actually bought a wedding dress once, but I gave it to good will last year. I figured why should keep it, I will never use it. So do not invite me to a wedding because I will not go. It will only remind my of what I never had.

I have never had anyone give me a baby shower. The girls slept in laundry baskets or what ever I could find. Someone did give me a crib when Amber was about 6 months old. Everything that I needed for a baby came from the goodwill or we just did with out. I have to be fair. My mother did send me some blankets and a few outfits. I do not go to baby showers. I will say this. My grandchildren will never do with out a damn thing. You can bet on that.

I guess my give a damn really is busted. wait let me think.... did I ever have one? I think at one time I did, but not anymore.

Life is rough and at time I feel like  I am stuck in a wave that just keeps crashing against the rocks. I feel so beaten down. I hope that one of these days my children will grow up and leave so I can move on and do something That I want. But for now I guess I will just have to come up for air and try to go with the flow.

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