Friday, June 17, 2005

what the hell

I am sure that this entry is going to make me sound ungreatful and self centered, but I am not.

Today I took the girls shopping for some new clothes and for a new swimsuit. There were so many cute clothes that I wanted to try on. There were even some really cute dragonfly pins that I would have loved to have. Then I remembered that we could not spare any extra money. i just wanted to cry right there in the store. I am sick of seeing things that I would like and then remembering that I cant have them. When do mom's get a chance to get what they want? or what they need?

Tonight our son was cought sticking his middle finger up at another little boy and at some cars passing by. So when I asked him what he did he showed me. I grabbed his finger.  I told him to put his bike away and to go to bed.

Our middle daughter had the nerve to say to me that I am being to hard him and that I am treating him like my husband use to treat the girls. Yes, my ex use to beat the girls. My gosh I am so hurt by that comment. I have never beat any of my children. so I am not sure where that comment came from. I feel like she has ripped my heart out.

I worked nights during dance season just so these girls could dance. Ryan hardly ever gets new clothes because someone gives us handi downs. Yet the girls get new clothes. I shop yard sales and thrift stores for my clothes yet the girls get new stuf all the time. Why the attitude? why the hurtful words?

I so want to just go crawl into bed and when I wake up I will realize that this day has been a dream. o.k. actually it would be a night mare.

Ryan just walked out and said that he was sorry. When I asked him who told him to say that he said Nikki. I hate it when children say they are sorry and they are not. I hate t when children say they are sorry and they ar not. Our children need to learn that saying your sorry does not make everything right. All it does is piss me off because I know that they are not sorry, they are just trying to get out of trouble.

Rusty went down to the post to hang out with his friend, and that is cool with me. Right now I would love to have a shouler to lean on, but I am not sure if Rusty would understand anyway. So I called another friend to see if she wanted to go grab a cup of coffee, but she was eating dinner. I guess I have to handle this day on my own.

I think I am going to go take a nice long bath and pretend that someone out there knows how I am feeling and can relate.


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