Sunday, July 17, 2005

the house is still

Rusty told me to go home and get some sleep. So here I sit. I am drinking a glass of wine and trying to sort things out. The children are over at Curts, so that is one thing that I do not have to wory about.

I found out today that Rusty did not flat line once but twice yesterday. He is VERY lucky to be here.

Today rusty got off the ventalators ( however you spell it) and he ion a liquid diet. Rusty still has a high level of toxin's in his body, so that is not good. Some of the swelling has gone down in his face, but he has lost hearing in one ear and the doctors do not know if he will get it back.

I feel guilty about being at home. I should be there taking care of Rusty. I wonder if the nurse will wet his wash cloth to make his eye's feel better. Who will scratch his back when he is restless? Who will hold his hand when he ges scared? Who will give him a hug and say I love you baby? Who will wash him when he vomits? who will.... these are all of my jobs. Why am I at home?

Our friends have been awesome and they have really pitched in. But right now, I want to put my head in someone's lap and just cry. I have not really done that yet. I have shed some tears when people call, but I need a good soul cleansing cry. But then again I am the strong one. I am the one who other people lean on. I am the one who has a backbone you can see from the front. I am not the one who breaks down and cry's.

anyway they want to transfer Rusty to the v.a. up at loma linda. That is cool with me, but it scars me. What if has problems on the ride. What if I cant ride with him? who will be there to assure him that everything is going to be o.k.

You know a long time ago I heard a preacher talk about Job. Never once did Job say why me Lord. So I guess I should be saying why not me? I am no different from anyone else. Maybe the Lord is trying to teach me not to be a hard ass. At least I will be able to relate people that are in my situation. Maybe I am suppose to be learning compasion? I dont know. what I do know is that I am going to finish this glass of wine and go to bed.

Oh! the girls got to church and that is fine. Today the pastor of the church stopped by to Rusty. He said that the girls were really up set. Go Figure. The girls are not taking this well.

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